Breaking Dawn Chapter Twenty Two

Bella asks Ed about DS and Ed tells her there’s nothing like her in the world. But wait Ed weren’t their legends about half vamps? I don’t believe for a second that all of them died or were killed by the reVolturi. Surely at least one of them survived to hunt down his father and work alongside the Belmont clan.

DS, I refuse to refer to anyone with a car crash for a name properly, drinks blood and somehow communicates with people. Oh yeah, this can’t be good. She’s warm blooded and has a fast heartbeat and somehow got daddy’s mind reading, albeit slightly weakened. A good thing too because otherwise we couldn’t interact with an infant. I’m going to make another bold prediction here and wager that she’s aging super fast.

You know why I’m guessing that? Because that fits in Bella’s perfect little world without responsibility. See, otherwise Bella and Ed might have to be actual parents for the next eighteen years or so and that would distract from their efforts to ruin all the furniture in the house with vampire sexual fluids.

Bella, being duller than a childproofed bowling ball, wonders why Jacob is still around. Ed says he’ll let Jacob explain that the author has a small imagination and gave him the door prize for being such a good sport. Ed also says he doesn’t think he owes Jacob anything anymore. Hey, if Jacob being involved with DS makes Ed unhappy then it’s almost worth it.

They run back and stop before getting back to the House on Cullen Hill. They meet Jacob and he wants to test Bella. Oh man, I bet she wished she’d studied now. Now she’ll just have to wing it and hope she can make those SAT prep courses pay off.

Yes Jake is seeing if Bella will be safe around the DS. Of course when she sees Jake, Bella leaps for his throat, plunges her fist into his chest and does literally what she’s been doing figuratively since she met the kid. She rips out his still beating heart and takes a bite out of it before holding it above her as a kind of trophy while the slow drip of blood rolls down her arms and stains her clothes.

Bella gives Jake a whiff and he stinks like any teenage boy who’s just discovered Axe. So, like the teenage boy Jake is then. She promptly tells everyone that Jake stinks.

So, it’s occurred to me to ask why vamps think the werewolves stink? Okay so they’re enemies, I got that but why do they automatically detect their scent as that of enemy?

See, the only werewolves are those from the Quileute tribe right? Which is a small tribe only located on the western coast of North America. And vamps were around since before them yes? And the vamps mostly evolved separately from the Quileutes and with no real predators. The only few vamps the wolves ran across were killed before the Cullens yes? So when and why did they evolve a warning mechanism for werewolves? That’d be like all people being able to detect the presence of angler fish because one time a diver was bitten. It just don’t make any damn sense.

So after pages of hemming and hawing like a brace of mules Bella goes in to see DS. Yup, I was right. DS is aging super fast. She already looks like she’s weeks old in spite of being two days old. I’m so glad Bella doesn’t get to face responsibility like the rest of us. Why I‘m so happy I’ve been scraping radioactive material off of gun sights to make an atomic bomb.

Does anyone else think that a superfast aging child who’s never been human is dangerous? Think of how disconnected this girl is going to be from the world. She’ll never of had a childhood, eaten candy, gone trick or treating, had a birthday party or whined for a pony. She’ll be a monster with the mind of an alien, unable to connect with people on the most basic level. DS will always be a stranger in an already strange family. I wouldn’t trust DS not to kill the Cullens in a fit of rage when she realizes she’ll never fit in. Of course I’m totally for that.

Ed mentions the human scent they ran across and everyone gets to goggle at how wonderful Bella is. Ah gee Wally, twern’t nothin’. It’s hard to imagine anyone stumbling across some transient hikers and not killing them and disposing of their bodies among the trees. We all have that urge right?

Oh and DS can send thoughts to people via touch. Oh goody, someone in the series that can do mind rape better than Aro. I was just saying the other day, man Otis doesn’t have enough characters that violate the only real privacy a human can ever have. There should be an army of vamps capable of getting into my skull gosh darn it. And here she delivers.

Suddenly Bella figures out the Jake’s imprinted on DS. She hands the kid off and starts yelling at Jake like it’s his fault. Please Bella, we all know where to point the finger. It’s at a hack that lives down in Arizona. Maybe you should take a trip down there and disembowel her eh?

Jake reveals he already has a nickname for DS, Nessie. I find that personally more grotesque than her real name. How dare Otis remind people of something much cooler than Twilight in the middle of the story. You leave the real, the real fictional, Nessie out of this Otis!

<<Chapter Twenty One

Chapter Twenty Three>>

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9 Responses to Breaking Dawn Chapter Twenty Two

  1. Vanessa says:

    OK, that was the one thing I could identify with in this book. I hate when people call me “Nessie”. I’m not the Loch Ness Monster! I may like drowning unsuspecting swimmers but that does not make me a monster. So I admit I laughed fairly hard when reading that part of the book.

  2. maeverin says:

    so if DS is already weeks old at a couple of days old, then she will be months old in a couple of weeks and years old in a couple of months. so when she reaches sexual maturity for Jake, in reality, she’ll only be a few years old. if that.
    Goddammit i hate you, Otis!

  3. Melissa says:

    Every time you say DS, I think the handheld video game systum. This make some lines very funny to me. Jake is sick for being in love with a baby. Boo Meyer You here me boo.

  4. Lenore says:

    You know what I think? I think the whole “the werewolves stink” deal has racist undertones. Why is it that no one else in the series smells, only those Quileute werewolves?

    I’m not one to scream racism at the simplest things, and I’m certain it’s unintentional on SMeyer’s part, but it bugs me that the minority group is picked on for their scent as well as left with that horrendous “ability” to imprint. Dem (racial epithet)s wonts ar wite wimmenz.

    It’s a small part of the story, and I don’t want to over-dramatize it, but I’m not the only one who has noticed.

    See this if you’re interested:

    • vivisector says:

      While I think some people over analyze fiction like this I have to agree with the anti-human part. A lot of fiction involving other races, from aliens to Elves, loves to paint a very negative image of people. There are always the few enlightened souls that cross over, like in Avatar for example, but for the most part the general populace is depicted as clumsy, stupid and hateful.

  5. Betsy says:

    I have not read this or any of these books, but judging by the patterns in the writing, I’ll make a few predictions for the upcoming chapters.

    DS will probably stop aging at teenagerhood, be stunningly beautiful (but in a different way than Bella), not need to drink blood, and be inherently and eternally wiser than any other humanoid being that has ever existed. She’ll probably even stop the warring (if you can call it that) between vampires and werewolves with the power of her sweet, peace-loving Mary Sue-ness.

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