Everything was so clear.
Yes folks, Bella has awoken and her first thought is that of a fifteen year old stoner contemplating his toenails and TV. Dude, everything makes sense now. The island represents the confusion of the world and the plane crash was them waking up.
She’s fascinated by all the things she can see now. And again, I’m feeling nostalgic for Anne Rice. I remember how she talked about fledglings just sitting around and watching flames for hours because it looked so different. Otis must have remembered that too.
So long description short, Bella loves being a vampire. Her sight is awesome as well as her sense of taste. Now, might I point out once more how unnecessary all those abilities are? Do I need to use my mastery of bull honkey to disprove the vamps strengths? No? I will anyway.
Predators that have all that awesome are only marginally better than their prey. Take lions for example. They’re strong and fast and have excellent smell and sight. However they still can’t outrun a wildebeest. They have to sneak up and pounce to take one down.
See Otis, evolution is lazy. If predators are strong it’s in response to the prey getting faster or smarter. It’s a slow, never ending cycle. The prey gets a bit faster so the predator develops a new hunting strategy. The prey doesn’t get a little stronger and then the predator gets fast enough to break the sound barrier. Other than aberrations, evolution moves in slow increments leaving both sides of the predator prey nearly evenly matched.
I wouldn’t even bring the theory of evolution into it Otis if you didn’t insist on attributing your vamps to it. To say the vamps evolved as predators of humans you would have to have some superhumans out there capable of standing against the vamps. And no you can’t use the wolves because they happened separately.
So what does Bella do with her new vision? Use it to stare ad Ed and gush over his perfection. This goes on for a few paragraphs where time stops and spins out into an eternity. Humans are so weak and blah blah blah.
Bella stops long enough to wonder about other people. Then she promptly forgets and jumps after Ed, wanting some good ol’ fashioned bed breaking, neighbor angering bowchickbowbow. She hugs him so hard it hurts him. Oh please, do it again Bella. I love to hear Ed in pain.
They kiss and Bella decides that she’s never been kissed before. See Bella, isn’t it better when your boyfriend doesn’t feel like he’s always holding back? Jake could have given that to you at anytime and there wouldn’t have been any of that three days pumped full of bleach to get it. Kind of makes ya wonder if it wasn’t a colossal waste eh?
Well Ed decides he can’t stand making out with a woman that isn’t tasty and abandons her and the DS. He moves to Vermont with his new life partner Barry and opens a Turkish bath for men. A heartbroken Bella kills herself leaving the rest of the book to be about DS growing up and preparing for vengeance against dear old dad.
Ed decides to take Bella hunting. They pack their tree perch, a bolt action Winchester, .30-30 hollow points and some scent and they go into the woods seeking a whitetail.
Alice whines that Bella has to see her super perfect self before she runs off. Bella whines about not being able to see the DS before her thirst is under control. Ed whines that they should be going. It’s a full on, vineyard of Napa valley wine fest complete with hard cheesy story.
And we get another tidbit about Jasper who hasn’t been important to mention throughout the last couple of books, much. His scars stand out vividly to vamp eyes. She says it signals him to be dangerous and wonders just how many undead have tried to kill him. If the books were about him and Alice we might know and we’d be interested. But no, Otis wants us to accept Bella and Ed as a substitute for real protagonists.
Bella is just so perfect in the mirror that she’s become a stranger! Wait, so Bella, who we never had reason to think was anything other than attractive, is beautiful? Would she have turned out so perfectly if she had been born with a clubfoot and MS? Oh and jasper says she has supercontrol over her emotions. Yes, Bella is just too perfect for words now. Anyone want to bet that she’s no longer clumsy either?
Bella’s making Jasper uncomfortable and not in the man-I-should-put-my-hands-in-my-pockets-and-adjust-myself way, more of the man-I-hate-author-avatars kind of way. Quick Jasper, tear her head off!
Yeah, so they decide to go hunting. Remember Bella, you get three shots and the ducks get quicker in each round. Also if you miss, the dog laughs at you.
Wait, why are they going hunting with a gun? They’re fast enough to catch a deer before it can even smell them and they’re strong enough that they can break it’s neck no problem. Instead they go with a gun, a tree perch and some scent. They’re not hunters, they’re a bunch of pussies! It doesn’t make it more “humane”. I don’t care if they’re supposed to be “good”, that’s still fucking retarded.
If I became a super-strong vampire, the first thing I’d do would be to rip something’s head off, not shoot it. I can shoot things as a human.
Um, yeah. They actually don’t go hunting with guns. It’s a joke because they obviously wouldn’t use them.
Reading the book(something I havent done) would make the joke clear. I am not blasthing the writer of this blog but it might be something for him/her to work on so we readers don’t get confused. And BTW thats a lame joke,
Yes, it was just a joke. Lame or not I didn’t think there’d be any confusion over it. No, they don’t use guns. The Cullens hunt au naturel. I think I was going to make a hunting accident joke after that but I forgot.
I knew the duck hunt thing was a joke but all I have to say about the first one is: my bad. I’d blame it on being tired but I don’t think I was at that time *shrug*
The secondary characters can make a story, to prove my point I submit exhibit A: Karen and Jack from Wil and Grace. Totally made watching a hetro acting gay and his female co-dependent the more enjoyable…
I follow this up with Alice and Jasper from the twilight saga. We can but wish for a proper scary novel to come out about a bunch of vampires and not just a clan of assholes.
I believe the shooting part was a reference to duck hunt (for those who care)
Oh I got that joke. It was the one Meyer came up with about bella and ed taking guns with them that I missed. I think some mention by the blogger about it was a joke by meyer would have helped.
it wasn’t a meyer joke. she couldn’t be that funny. vivisector was just being sarcastic.
Too perfect for words? Oh geez! What could possibly be left to this stupid story at this point? Each and every chapter is one of the characters describing their admiration Bella’s ultimate beauty?
And her superpower is emotional self-control?! Wow, I think Superman has met his match!!!
so Bella’s mutation counts as character development for Smeyer, i guess.
Three and a half books in…Well, better late than never? I guess?
For some reason, everything I heard about the birthing procedure got only an “Ew. WTF?” from me, but your description of vamp Bel is making me feel physically ill. I’d like to dispute that she’s “too perfect for words”. I know how to describe her perfection. She is sickeningly, gut-wrenchingly, mortifyingly perfect. (I know that’s not what gut-wrenching typically means, but that’s the literal feeling. Blech.)