There are thirty nine chapters in this atrocity. That means I’ve got twenty more to go. Suddenly these recaps are starting to look a lot longer. Oh and there’s a preface to this ‘Book Three’ as well. It’s some vague menacing from the Volturi again.
Bella starts off saying the pain was bewildering, she’s bewildered, you might say she’s bewildered even. Use the thesaurus Otis. So it hurts and you’re confused Bella, yes keep expounding on that theme.
Bella recaps what happened leading up to the birth of DS(I refuse to type her name ever again). Yes Otis, we were all there. Again, pagewind works wonders for those that have the memory of goldfish.
Bella being resuscitated, Bella seeing the DS and being happy and Bella feeling more pain. Bella tries to describe fighting near death and only manages to sound like a drunken woman that’s stumbled into a black velvet curtain and is now tangled at the feet of her laughing friends.
There’s a certain point where description fails and you have to move on. Pain is one of those things where you can try and the best you can do is an approximation. Otis doesn’t get that so we have to sit though paragraph after paragraph of Bella trying to convey to us that it hurts. You asked for it Bella and you deserve it just for being so retarded.
She even wants to die and wishes she could scream. Yes Bella is now suffering I have no mouth and I must scream problems. The morphine has paralyzed her but not numbed her from the pain of the ‘venom’(I hate calling it that). Again we’re deep into par for a vampire novel but that won’t last I’m sure.
Carl is back and he has this to say.
“Listen to her heart, Edward. It’s stronger than even Emmett’s was. I’ve never heard anything so vital. She’ll be perfect.”
Oh man I was so worried Bella wouldn’t make it. I was sharpening my razor blade and getting ready to take a dip in a warm bath. Thanks for putting my mind at ease Carl.
More disembodied conversations try to get us up to speed. DS is invisible to Alice’s vision and NOTHING like they’ve ever seen. Except for those that were the source of the legends of course. Bella is going to be dazzling so says Alice. Again, I was worried she’d just be Bella but sparkly. Of course if that were the case Ed would have to leave her for a trophy vampire in a hundred years or so.
Bella experiences a quick bit of tachycardia and then her heart stops. Presto chango, she’s a vampire. Ta da! Pause for some scattered applause and then off the stage with a bow. Next up, Criss Angel will get devoured.
Vivisector's Writ 
Poor you, 20 chapters left. The sad thing is I am sure that that is the best chapter your going to read.
Excuse me while I giggle uncontrolably….
I hope I haven’t put you off, cause I love your recaps. Perhaps you need something to look forward too, ummm… Another stupid ‘sex’ scene, a tension filled talk fest, the stupid descriptions of vampire superpowers… Ummm or perhaps the end is the only thing to keep you going….
Good luck.
I can’t believe Otis actually wrote “She’ll be perfect”… oh wait, yes I can.
“She’ll be perfect” That’s almost creepy.
It makes it sound like Carl needs to use her for something.
“She’ll be perfect… for the ritual sacrifice.”
That would almost be a decent plot twist. Actually no that would still be dumb never mind
coming from Carl it’s downright creepy!
so if all vampires are bee-yoo-ti-full, i wonder if this “venom” messes with Those Bitten’s characteristics. i mean besides sparkly, do they lose 10 pounds? face becomes more symmetrical? frizzies abandon the hair entirely?
I wish I could have gotten here sooner, you could have just said that she was ‘Juiced’ instead.