Breaking Dawn Chapter Seventeen

Once again Otis mentions a car. Unlike with the Mercedes, she uses a real model and everything. An Aston Martin Vanquish. So, why couldn’t you call the Mercedes the S-Guard? Why did the Volvo remain a generic sedan and now all of a sudden you use a real world vehicle? Why not make one up like an Aston Martin Vanish? Otis follows no rhyme or reason even in her own universe.

Jake races along at around two hundred until he gets to the suburbs near Tacoma. Why is he doing all this? Why he’s looking for his soul mate. Yes, Jake decided he wants to imprint because then he’ll be able to get over Bella. Alright Jake, at least for once you’ve decided it’s time to let her go. That’s a good step and I think you’re starting to show some real progress. Next week we’ll work on your author control issues. Just make sure to take you prescribed medication until then.

Apparently Jake can’t find his soul mate just by wandering around for a few minutes outside. Let that be a lesson to all the Twi-tards out there. Jake goes back to the car and leans against it while wondering if the legends about silver bullets are true.

Then a girl comes up and starts talking to him. Now, I’m no player and I’ll never be but when a girl approaches me I can at least remember to smile and ask for the digits. Jake just focuses on the fact that he’s not imprinting. Then that random girl starts talking about cars. Whoa, a woman that isn’t a Cullen that knows cars? Marry her Jake. You’ll never find a better defined character in the series.

Jake heads home and flips the other pack the bird as he does. When he gets to house Cullen Ed gets mad about something Leah did. Apparently Leah got all up in Bella’s face while talking crap. Uh oh, time to get Steve out here to keep this from being an all out brawl. This story is only a suitcase of natty light or PBR from being a trailer park soap opera.

How awful that Bella was made to feel bad for being a controlling sleaze. For once she deserves to feel guilty for abusing Jake’s friendship. She keeps acting as if nothing she’s ever done deserves consequences and Otis keeps letting it.

Ugh, where was I? Well we have a demonspawn update. Yes it’s grown big enough that it’s ready to be born. Ed wants Carl to deliver it as soon as he gets back. Apparently Ed’s been communicating with demonspawn via mind bullets and told it to stop breaking it’s apartment in the meantime.

Ed figures Bella will survive if she can be turned. So he has to beg Jake for permission to do it. ‘Please let me turn my beloved into a stone/undead agent in the devil’s death squad my dear shaggy bear man.’ And that makes sense because Ed has always been about respecting boundaries and rules hasn’t he?

Will Jake grant permission? Will Ed accept it? Will Jack Bauer find the nuke before it can go off and kill the president? The answer to all three is duh. Could we have ever doubted that Jake would allow it?

Otis, thinking to add a teaspoon of tension to this mess, has Bella go pee. And she falls over and vomits a fountain of blood. I really have no way to imagine how that happened. Do the Cullens collect arcane torture devices which are just lying about, sharp ends jutting into hallways? Oh no Bella tripped and fell into the iron maiden. Cue trumpet wah wah.

We close the chapter knowing that the demonspawn is less than a few pages away. Why it’s so wonderful I feel like planting a tactical nuclear device somewhere in Washinton state. Can you guess as to where?

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Chapter Eighteen>>