Breaking Dawn Chapter Sixteen

Near halfway through and we’re still not going anywhere. This is like a literary treadmill on which you can get nowhere. You know Otis, some treadmills have TVs built into them. Maybe if your next book was like that I might be inclined to read it and not mock it. Nah, not even then.

Well Bella’s feelin’ hot so now it’s time for Ice Cube to sit down and chill her out. Much like Ice Cube I’m inclined to ask of Otis, Are We There Yet? Or even Are We Done Yet? Oh how I can hope.

Jake logs back on to the werewolf forum Furball.org and updates his packmates. Status: Awake and hatin’ on da Culs. After the obligatory first! and u r gay responses he takes Leah out for a little WWB(wolves with benefits) action. Or they go and see how many of the Sam pack is watching the Cullens. Whichever.

The wander about and compliment each other. Leah says Jake has turned around completely, no he hasn’t, and Jake says roughly the same thing to her. Then she thanks him for letting her in the pack. She also says that soon enough she’s getting out of the whole wolf thing. She’ll go to college and maybe take yoga or something to help deal with her temper.

Ah, I get it. Otis is saying that women can do the same jobs as men but they don’t last as long. Or maybe she just didn’t have anyone for Leah to ‘Imprint’ on. Honestly I think that Otis doesn’t have a way of dealing with female characters that don’t opt to run off, get married and breed and this is setting us up for an epilogue of Leah married to a lawyer with a litter.

The two go hunting for food. We get treated to more detail on the death of deer and the subsequent eating of them than we do the sex scenes. Where is the logic here? Then they compare emotional scars and oh how bad it must be for Jacob.

So, apparently Leah decides her problems come from not being able to breed. She feels for Rose because ‘deh wnt deh baabies n deh cnt hve dem!’ Otis also tries to explain imprinting in that the wolves pick someone strong enough to carry on the bloodline. That makes Leah a freak because she can’t have kids. So rather than enjoying the fact that Leah has access to mystic birhtcontrol she throws a, pardon the pun here, bitch fit. There are only three kinds of women in Twilight. The dumb(Bella’s mom and friends), the angry steriles and Bella.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch Bella’s broken her pelvis. Yes, having the demonspawn was one of your better ideas Bella. Meanwhile the vampires are getting ready to hunt. I’ve pointed out how ridiculous that is considering their fridge full of H-juice but I feel the need to reiterate. Otis, you shouldn’t contradict yourself in the middle of the story.

Yet another wonderful scene with Jake antagonizing Rose. He tells another blonde joke even. You, Jacob, my good man are a paragon of wit. I doff my cap and raise my snifter to you, you dashing rake. I’m still convinced that Otis is angry at some blonde from high school.

Well, ready for more squick? Otis brought a thick bucket of the stuff. Out of nowhere Ed can read the baby’s mind. Yes, the baby which shouldn’t have a mind developed enough to process sounds is capable of emotions. Ed reports that demonspawn is happy and this causes Bella to do what she always does, she cries.

Now the cursed couple start tossing baby names around and demonspawn gets to be either Edward junior or Renesme. Wow, I bet demonspawn wishes it were male all of a sudden.

Jacob feels pain and Ed decides to help by tossing him some car keys. You know what Ed is saying? He’s saying Jake go find yourself a hooker or wear Leah out. Maybe then you’ll get over yourself.

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