So I have few general complaints this time. I’ve been noticing all the vampires are well spoken and beautiful. Why? If they’re so strong and quick why do they need to look good? The only creatures that need to ‘lure’ in their prey, at least in nature, are the ones that can’t move or are terribly slow.
Where are the ugly or even average vampires? Where are the idiotic, uneducated ones? I’ll bet Carlisle made at least one vampire who used their powers for stupid things. I’m imagining a Jethro Cullen who lives in the south and rides around in a mockup of the General Lee. He drives without a seatbelt and listens to Country Western so loud it would hurt mortal ears. He hunts with a shotgun just because he can and he’s so conservative that O’Reilly and Limbaugh look like Greenpeace founders in comparison.
How about the vampire that likes to screw with the religious? Maybe he nails himself to a cross in a church and climbs down in the middle of mass? He’s the angry atheist who curses himself and god. How about a vampire that combs the bottom of the ocean for treasure? Or one that skydives without a parachute?
Where are these flawed and silly caricatures of character? Why are they all so damned perfect? Even the evil ones like Jane are just too damn sparkly.
This chapter is most appropriately labeled Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock as in the noise we hear when while checking our collective watches while awaiting this crap to end.
Ah, Seth and Jake are starting to have warm and fuzzy feelings for the vamps. Yeah, it turns out that once you get to know them you hate them even more. Familiarity breeds contempt guys. Don’t let the growing hate confuse you Jake, just because it’s warm. It is the slow burn of rage.
Jake starts to wonder why the Cullens are just hanging around the house like a geek rather than fleeing. It seems like they’d want to say, leave the area and not come back for the next fifty years. Maybe take a vacation to Antarctica for awhile and get used to the delicious taste of penguins.
The Cullens nix this idea because Carl has all his med stuff right there. He thinks he might have to go buy some more blood which apparently you can do as a doctor. And again, I repeat the question as to why they kill animals if Carl can do this? Did Otis even read this or did she just let a stream of horse crap flow from her fat, infected, twisted claws as she peeked away at her ancient Apple IIE and squawked vile curses at the world?
Let’s see, status update on Bella follows. Another broken rib and a fever. She’s been talking to Charlie sparkle sparkle! and she’s happy to report that she found the magical amulet.
With Bell going through hot and cold flashes the vamps can’t figure out how to manage her temp. No really, Carlisle a freaking doctor has no way to do that so when she’s cold they have one of the wolves camp out next to her. So, what? They don’t sell space heaters up in Washington? Has Otis never heard of a Target?
Ugh, more forced dialogue between Rosalie and Jake. They try to make it seem like they’re angry at each other but I’m guessing in the end Rose is going to ask Emmett for a free pass to bone herself a wolfman. Jake asks how long we’re going to have to put up with this nonsensical crap. Bella says Carl figures about four days.
Bella, still enjoying the descent into madness she’s driving Jake into, asks why he’s still around. Jake says he didn’t want to be but he’s being held within a limited radius by a magical spell. It’s called authorian compulsorian. Remember, swish and flick! A few lines down Jake actually says what I’ve been thinking for a good long while now.
“How about, ‘Jacob, I get a kick out of your pain.’”
Yes, Jake realizes Bella enjoys watching him hurt. Good boy Jake, now fetch! C’mon boy, get the tennis ball! Don’t you want your ball?
Bella tries to steer him back into the friend zone of Marquis de Sade. ‘Oh Jake, you’re supposed to be part of my life. Don’t you feel it?’ It works and Bella nods off to sleep and satisfied that her mental hold on Jake is still intact.
Ed and Jake have yet another conversation on the merits of her talking to Charles. Ed thinks it’s a bad idea but he won’t deny Bella anything because he’s never done that before right? Except for when he denied her sex or vampirism or kindness or sanity. The list just goes on and on.
Ed says seeing her dad after the transformation is insane. Jake figures Charles is smart enough to figure out there’s a difference. Well, let’s think about this. He never noticed Ed sneaking into the house over the past couple of years why would he notice Bella changing? She could have tentacles in place of arms, segmented eyes and speak only in Aramaic and he’d go ‘Oh hi Bells. Good to see you but I’ve got to go, the fish are biting.’
Jake asks what will happen when the abomination decides to be born. Ed says, according to research, they tear their own way out with their teeth. Wait a second Otis, you just said earlier in the book that there’d never been anything like Ed and Bella. Now you’re telling us there were legends and myths to research? You can’t keep changing the rules and definitely not in the middle of the book. I want something to tear through her with its teeth like a piranha.
And Otis decides to start delving into genetics again. Otis, didn’t my earlier episode warn you to stay away from hard science? You haven’t the knowledge or the command of medicine to make up crap. She does anyway and makes Carlisle speculate that the baby has twenty four pairs of chromosomes. Yeah, apparently babies can just split the difference between mom and dad if they’re not compatible.
“Yeah. Just fascinating.”
Says Carlisle. Fascinating is one word I’m getting sick of seeing in print in this damn series. Pick something else Otis like interesting or curious or bloody ‘ell for all I care. Just stop making ever vampire sound like freaking Spock! Thankfully Otis decides to stop pretending towards intelligence and lets the vamps fall into a ‘complex’ discussion about genetics that Jake don’t understand cause he dumb. Remember he went to a different school on the rez and he po’ and po’ people dumb.
Jake makes a guess as to how they’re going to deliver Damien. Yes with teeth because, once again, there’s no solution like the hardest one. Sure they could use tools to cut through the ‘rock hard’ placenta sack but someone biting through it is both squickier and dumber. And we all know how Otis and her characters are known for their deep well of brilliance.
Vivisector's Writ 
I wanna meet the vampire who skydives without a parachute! He/She would be AWESOME!