Breaking Dawn Chapter Thirteen

Rose and Carl, sounds like a nineteen fifties sitcom doesn’t it?, go upstairs to get the blood. They discuss whether or not to warm it up. Jacob wonders what other awful things they have in this ‘house of horrors’. It ain’t that bad Jake, a little blood in the fridge and a vampire in the closet. Nothing worse than what you’d find at Cher’s house.

Ed and Bella stare at each other but it’s not a gooey kind of staring, so says the wolfman. That’s good because it’s the gooey kind of anything that got Bella into this situation in the first place. Jacob starts whining about how he understands putting off the pain of being around someone you were with. You know what Jake? Man up or kill yourself.

I’m officially tired of hearing people in this series griping about longing and such. Why don’t you cope like a responsible person and admit you were attracted to Bella because she was the first woman to throw a little attention your way. There are other girls Jake, prettier and with brains in their heads. Do that or start drinking heavily.

Pointless banter ensues. ‘Oh Jake, was the blood thing your idea?’ followed by ‘Sure was, don’t know how I thought of it what with a pack to run now.’ And then ‘OMG Leah’s with you! Scary!’

Carl comes out with a clear cup and a straw which they’re worried Bella won’t keep down. So let’s pause her for a second. Bella’s going to drink the blood and the baby is inside her. Again, I’m not a doctor but it seems like it’d be easier to use the IV drip already in place and feed Bella blood that way. In fact, drinking blood might be worse for the demonspawn being as the stomach will begin breaking down the proteins in the blood. Got you again Otis.

So we get treated to a completely gratuitous scene of Bella drinking blood through a straw like the most virgin bloody mary ever. Bella is surprised that is both smells good and tastes good. Again, more fodder to support my previous theory.

Jake is grossed out because he has yet to cope with the idea that vampire equals blood drinker. Jake, don’t tell me you’ve never eaten an animal raw while you were a wolf and don’t tell me you didn’t like it. You like blood just as much as those wacky Cullens.

The effects are immediate because blood is just that awesome. If it works that well I should open my own wet bar, ‘Everything Bloody’. Bella wants some regular hoooman food. She goes ‘Eggs’ to which I would reply ‘Fertilized or regular?’ but the Cullens are just so happy she’s okay. Of course I’m disappointed.

The other wolves send an envoy asking for peace. Jared, I don’t remember him, turns human and offers the while flag while saying he wants to parlay according to the pirate code laid down by Bartholomew… ‘I know the code’ Jake thinks. Jared says ‘You’re tearing me apart, Lisa! I mean Jacob!’

Jacob huffs a bit about having to transform in front of Leah after ruining his clothes. He talks a bit about seeing Leah naked often because she had a hard time getting a grip on her temper. Jake says he doesn’t mind looking because she’s not bad. That’s the first normal thing I think he’s done in awhile.

Which brings me to an odd question. Do you think Leah has ever thrown one of the others a mercy lay in wolf form? I’m not saying like Jake in human form but rather both of them as animals? And if so do you think one of the others has ever turned the hose on them when they were caught? Would they do it doggy style so they can both watch X-Files?

Sorry, my mind wanders when it’s bored. So the two wolves talk. Jared tells him to come back while Jake says he doesn’t think he can be a bottom anymore now that he’s tried being an alpha. Cue the music from Ken Burns Civil War as Jared whines about Jake tearing the family apart. ‘It turned brother against brother and cub against den mother.’

Jared has to get back to his Subway diet though and calls the meeting short. There’s some begging, for peace not treats. ‘Gimme Snausages or give me death!’ They agree to disagree and part ways on peaceable terms. Leah speaks for me when she tells Jake she thought he was going to start making out with Jared.

Yes why would there be any physical conflict when it can all be sorted out with words. Who wants to watch a couple of superhumans battle it out on the front step of Baskerville Manor? I much prefer people having an honest and open discussion about their feelings in my books don’t you?

<<Chapter Twelve

Chapter Fourteen>>

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3 Responses to Breaking Dawn Chapter Thirteen

  1. Penny says:

    Actually, since you brought up the IV drip versus drinking blood, this just emphasises how ridiculous the idea really is. Babies don’t magically ingest everything their mother eats. They get the nutrients via the umbilical cord, which transfers… tada, blood! So, in effect, the baby should already have all the blood it needs, feeding on its mother (who may need some reinforcement, via IV). GOSHDARNIT this is stupid.

  2. Gloria says:

    yeah the IV would make much more since in light of the baby needing to be fed blood. though we have all seen how when pregnant women have a tendency to have strange cravings. like pickles and ice cream. so if this were a real vampire book, Bella might start craving blood because in her womb is a demon baby. Like she would ask for the rarest stake, or at night Edward wakes to find that his wife is not by his side so he wanders down to the kitchen to find her gulping down the blood stored in the fridge. but lets face it meyer coudln’t have thought that up.

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