Jake already knows what’s going to happen. He’s going to make the offer to give Bella regular babies and she’ll say no. So then, why is this book so long? I need a sharpened pencil to stab into my thigh. Jasper! Fetch my brother’s art kit!
Ed tells the nibblers that Jake is going to talk to Bella alone. Rosalie responds with one of the few lines she’s ever said.
“Over my pile of ashes,” Rosalie hissed at him. She was still hovering by Bella’s head, one of her cold hands placed possessively on Bella’s sallow cheek.
Good job shoehorning in little reminder that we’re dealing with vampires. The last thousand pages didn’t make that abundantly clear. I thought they were a bunch of zombified meerkats. I guess I’ve got to go back and reread the whole series in a new light.
Ah, Jacob says she’s a true martyr because she feels bad for hurting Ed’s feelings. Maybe she’s just well trained like your friends down at the kennel. Or she’s incredibly stupid and you’ve just started to notice.
Bella makes a Simpson’s reference. Ok Otis, stop stealing from other people. First Shakespeare then Jane Austen and now the Simpsons? Is there anyone you won’t crib from? Why don’t you try adding just a dash of Stephen King to your work and see how that tastes?
Bella says it’s all going to work out somehow. Jake asks if she thinks magic is going to solve it. Bella goes ‘oh Jacob, I have the favor of the creator and most of the fans. It practically ensures that nothing really bad could possibly happen to me.’
For some reason this reminds Bella of ‘A Midsummer night’s dream’. FORESHADOWING Somehow, Jacob will find the right person soon. FORESHADOWING
Bella waxes about having faith. Yes, have faith Jacob. Medical technology or sense has nothing to do with getting through death. Only faith matters. All the people that die because of cancer do so because they don’t have enough faith. We’re getting a little deep into cow flop country.
Jake figures out that Bella’s counting on being turned into a vampire at the last minute. Yes folks, Bella’s going to get everything she wants. She gets to be a vampire, she gets the baby and she has her favorite neck chomper. Bella loses nothing. Aren’t we just so happy for her? Why I’m so happy I’m going to go seed the Cullen place with claymores. Let’s see their vampirism defeat the power of modern weaponry.
Jacob makes the pitch and Bella turns it down. Jake leaves and morphs, letting the whole pack in on Breaking Dawn’s main plot. They’re just as grossed out as the rest of us. Sam is considering tearing the author into smaller bite-sized pieces and feeding them to the Iron Clawed Cheek Stuffers.
Speaking of my squirrel army let’s check up on them, whadaya say? Ah, it seems commander squeak has returned and one paw is in a sling. What happened squeak? She has a crazed tween army you say? And they’re not afraid of rodentia? Damn! I’ll order some micro grenades and assault rifles. You will not be stopped commander Squeak! What? Yes, there will be more macadamias.
The wolves freak out and start wanting to attack. I’m behind you one hundred percent Sam. Jake though decides to be a buzz kill and argue. The others say that it’s goin’ down like a TWA flight. What? Too soon?
Sam argues with Jake to close the chapter. If the Cullens want to distract them they can just let a couple cats out. The pack will be helpless to chase them unless everything I learned from cartoons is wrong.
Vivisector's Writ 
What was the ‘Simpsons’ reference exactly?
To quote the evil book. (“Did you know that ‘I told you so’ has a brother, Jacob?” she asked, cutting me off.
“His name is ‘Shut the hell up.’”
“Good one.”
She grinned at me. Her skin stretched tight over the bones. “I can’t take credit—I got it
off a rerun of The Simpsons.”)
Oh my. Ever so lame!