Breaking Dawn Chapter Seven

You know when I first started the Twilight books I believed everyone was just angry at the fad. I saw much of the same thing when Harry Potter came out. People making fun and mocking it simply because it was popular. I read the first six HP novels before Hallows came out just to see what it was all about and I didn’t regret it. So when I approached Twilight I did so with the same cautious optimism that I’ve come to regret. J.K. has chops, she can write. Otis has not even a quarter chop. She cannot write. I’m repeating myself, I know.

Another dream in which she faces the Volturi alone. Some child whimpers off in the distance. Maybe you shouldn’t be watching Les Miserables after Dracula 2000 before bedtime Bella. You know how just trees give you nightmares you poor thing.

Bella wakes up to find a note from Ed saying he’s gone hunting. Bella wanders into the kitchen and eats some fried chicken, this segment brought to you by Popeyes. She goes back to sleep and when she awakens again, Ed is there. Bella suddenly runs to the bathroom to toss cookies. See, sleeping with a man as cold as the dead has made you sick. Your mother warned you about necrophilia Bella. You just don’t know what those corpses are carrying these days.

Bella gets sick again while they’re sitting on the couch. Geez, you don’t think she’s developed a vampire allergy do you? Bella rushes into the bathroom again and then she looks down at some box. She counts out the days and realizes her period is late.

Ed, being the stupid male that he is, goes ‘are you saying this is PMS?’ And Bella once again has to be the smart one and tell him no. She then notices she’s already showing and that’s not normal.

So because Otis wanted demonspawn so badly she starts mixing up a big ol’ batch of our favorite construction material. That’s right, she’s brought out the RetConcrete. See vampires are frozen and unchanging, now they’re not dead, and that’s why Rosalie can’t have babies. But Bella is alive and she can change which is what’s required for having kids. Of course, if vampires are frozen then how can they have scars? Jasper for one had multiples from after he was turned. Ha! Got you again Otis.

Ready for some more sexism? Otis boldly states that human men stay the same from puberty to death. Yup, apparently those problems like enlarged prostates, decreased testosterone, male pattern baldness and decreased fertility and male menopause just disappeared this morning.

Look, I know what she’s really getting at so save the rebuttal comments and e-mails. Otis is going after the fact that men can remain virile until death. Yes, it is possible but not probable. And again, if Ed is unchanging then he’s not making new sperm and the old stuff is long dead. Unless Otis wants to suggest immortal sperm? That brings out a whole other can of worms though. Like why aren’t there women just getting pregnant for being within range of vampire seed? That’s not happening in the book so I have to assume there’s an expiration date on it.

Just then, Alice calls. Carlisle asks Bella when her last period was. Yup, he reaches the same diagnosis as Bella. Guess what that means? Yup, Bella is officially as smart as a doctor according to Otis.

In the tradition of Ed thus far he becomes enraged. ‘Man, you sleep with a woman one time. Okay, three times and look what happens. How am I going to explain a baby to my boyfriend?’ You won’t be able to hide that from the guys at the Blue Oyster, buddy.

In movies when a woman goes through rapid pregnancy, it’s usually rather horrific and brought on by demon rape or some such. In fact, that was the plot of Poltergeist: The Legacy in season one the pilot episode which was a two parter, I believe. The lady who joins them, sleeps with a ghost disguised as her husband, gets pregnant and gives birth to it. It rapidly ages to eleven or so the same age as her son was when he died and then they have to destroy it. Very squicky.

Bella though is overjoyed. She imagined she wasn’t going to be a mom and didn’t care to give it up. Now she’s all excited. Ed says there going to get her home and get that thing out of her. For once Ed’s talking sense and I’m stunned. He’s worried a vampire baby will hurt her. Wait, did Jacob and Ed switch minds in a Freaky Fridayesque moment? Because last I check he was the only one really concerned with Bella’s safety.

Bella says no, she’s going to bring this hellbeast into the world. Thanks for attempting to doom all of humanity Bella. We really appreciate it. The help arrives and notices Bella doesn’t look like the same skinny girl she was. There’s a lot of pantomiming and the girl says Morte which Bella says she knows enough Spanish to recognize it.

Now I’m just nitpicking but that’s not Spanish. Morte is Portuguese. Muerte is Spanish for death. They don’t even sound that close Otis! That’d be like confusing duh with what.

While Ed runs things to the boat Bella calls Rosalie because who else will help her have this demonspawn if not her? I wish Rosalie kept true to character and tried to kill Bella in a fit of jealousy but you and I both know that won’t happen.

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