Breaking Dawn Chapter Five

Our grand prize winner Bella will be off on a lovely honey moon to an undisclosed location where Ed can devour her in peace. I’m still hoping eats her. Maybe he’s just really picky about where he eats his victims. Ed’s a blood gourmand who has a ritual that, when he finds the perfect human, he doesn’t drink human blood lest he spoil the palate. Then he romances them, regardless of gender, and marries them and drains them on the honeymoon. That makes as much sense as anything else in this series.

The happy couple are off to Houston. Yes folks, Ed is secretly in love with the cowboy lifestyle. The next few hundred pages will be him trying to start a ranch and teaching Bella to line dance. Oh, it’s just a stopover to their real destination which Ed doesn’t want to disclose.

Being as this chapter is called Isle Esme I think we can guess where she’s going. They end up in Rio, lucky for Ed he speaks Portuguese and that Otis actually consulted someone about Brazil. Bella mentions she feels a nervous flutter akin to stage fright.

Wait, maybe I’ve been thinking about this wrong. Maybe Bella is a vampire of vampires. Perhaps that’s why Ed is attracted to her scent. It’s the same reason humans are attracted to Ed, Bella is the perfect predator. She’ll drain him once they’re alone and, fueled by this eldritch ritual, she’ll take on the rest of the Cullens who will enable her to wipe the earth clean of the undead. Go Bella!

Okay I know I’m getting ridiculous with the digression but seriously, nothing is happening. Bella flies to Brazil, Bella see’s the private island on which they’ll consummate their marriage. Just make with the squick already so we can get over it.

Yes, the island belongs to Esme. Carlisle bought it for her. ‘Hey honey, sorry I’ve doomed you to an eternity of undeath. Have an island. Will you put down the stake now?’

I still want to know more about Carlisle, the only thing is Otis can’t write about it. She wants to think of him as compassionate. I say he’s crazy and walking a razor’s edge. He sees vampirism as a curse yet he’s willing to make more. This is the mark of a madman and the only person in the series to have a human side in that he’s a bit of a hypocrite.

Bella starts having a panic attack. Just to remind us how strong the guy is Ed carries both Bella and their luggage up to the house. She pays no mind to anything until they’re in the bedroom. There’s a huge four poster with mosquito netting, Why? Do the vampires not like competition?, and Bella swoons.

As they’re both dreading the coming crying jag, which will invariably follow their two minute and thirty seven second romp, Ed suggests a swim. So they’ve come all this way, gotten married and they’re going to put off the sex. I’m not looking forward to it either, okay but get on with it.

Bella treats us to her preparations for swimming. She brushes her hair, she brushes her teeth, she takes a shower and shaves her legs. Ah, here’s the sweaty, mangled and unskilled pen of Otis in clear evidence. Bella’s ramped up to full on we’re-all-gonna-die-because-of-the-giant-panda-bears mode because she doesn’t have a swimsuit. Oh noes, will she have to swim naked?

Hey Bella, why don’t you put on this special Detcord bikini I made and go give Ed a hug? I’ll just be standing over there, out of sight with a radio detonator. Totally unrelated to the Detcord bikini mind you. Really, don’t worry about it.

Bella goes outside wearing a towel and sees Ed in the water. She tosses the towel onto a tree and wades into the water where she holds Ed’s hand. ‘Deh Moon is sew betiful.’ And Ed’s all ‘knot s betiful s u, snack cake.’ Bella tells Ed they’re meant to be together and they go into the water and then it’s daytime. Hur?

Yes, Otis skipped the torrid love scene and we’re back in the bedroom. Bella is so happy she could just die. Oh please, oh please, oh please. The room is hot but Ed is wintry cold. Didn’t Ed warm up in Twilight while he was sitting in the sunny meadow? Shouldn’t he be lukewarm after hanging around in the hot room?

Bella feels hungry and laughs about being human. She looks at Ed and he looks down, probably because of the agonizing attempts to rise to the occasion all proved futile. Bella thinks it all has to have been her fault. She starts thinking back to their skipped night of intercourse.

Otis decides not to tell us how it went with detail. Instead Bella tells us they’re perfect physically and they fit well together. At least once Edward got aimed at the proper target, Bella’s still a little sore from that.

It turns out Ed is convinced he hurt Bella. In the real world or in an interesting story that would have happened. Because Otis can’t let Ed be anything less than one hundred percent perfection embodied he didn’t, not really. He bit a pillow or two to curb the urge it seems. No, really, that’s how Otis explains Ed dealing with his orgasms. Well I guess as long as Bella doesn’t seduce him away from a Bed, Bath and Beyond she’ll be fine.

Bella does have some bruises on her arms and such, amazing. She doesn’t care because, as she discovers, she’s into physical masochism as well as emotional. She grabs a pair of chains, a whip and tells Ed to get to work on a new set of marks on her back.

Ed goes on a self pity kick, making Bella comfort him. Bella’s just so happy he doesn’t understand. He keeps moping and Bella tells him he’s killing her buzz.

“That,” I snapped. “That right there is why I’m angry. You are killing my buzz, Edward.”

See? Ed continues to freak out and Bella reiterates just how perfect and special it was, whatever it was that happened. The details are still a little fuzzy through the roofies.

Ed explains that he finally asked his brothers and Carlisle for advice on the whole marriage act. Bella’s stomach growls and he makes her breakfast. They decide not to do it again until after Bella’s a vampire.

So really, all that painstaking detail provided about everything else. All the laundry and cooking and pointless talking we put up with. And not one second of sex. I was hoping that somewhere buried in the series was a scene that was moving or at least interesting enough that it would partially redeem the whole thing. I expected there to be a torrid love scene that was better fitting in a romance novel, that would at least explain the fan’s affection for it. I guess at least Otis never fails to disappoint.

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Chapter Six>>