Breaking Dawn Chapter Three

I want the music at Bella’s wedding to be by Smashing Pumpkins, at least one song. Or maybe Voodoo and Serano’s blood is pumpin’. Hell, I’d settle for any song from the Queen of the Damned soundtrack but I know we won’t get this.

It’s Bella’s big day, let all the fangirls squee themselves stupid. Bella and Edward will finally be joined in holy matrimony and then they will be joined in unholy moaning. Ick, ugh, bleack. I feel dirty just typing that.

Bella wakes up and reminds Charles to go get the minister. For once it’s his turn to roll his eyes. He then glances lovingly at the closet with his fishing gear. Hey buddy, it’s all you did the past three books, why stop now just when your daughter’s getting married?

Alice comes over and promptly takes control of everything. Do not attempt to adjust the wedding dress, we control the catering and the DJ.  We control where and who you shall marry.

The house that blood built is decorated in celebration of the moment. Lights, bows and scent everywhere. It all just makes Bella breathless but not the same way a couple inches of water could do for us.

Rosalie comes by to inform Bella and Alice that the boys are back. Edward has a strange semicircle scar on his neck, him and Emmett won’t look at each other but otherwise everything’s fine. She offers to do Bella’s hair which sends Bella into a panic.

Apparently people aren’t allowed to be nice for superficial reasons. They must be trying to make amends for past transgressions. C’mon Rosalie, salvage this garbage and snap her neck ‘accidentally’.

Again we’re treated to a little back story in that her mother has been around for two days helping out. Seriously, was this ghost written by one of the fans? Otis learned nothing about writing from book one through three and all of a sudden she feels she can skip the crap? This doesn’t feel quite like a Twilight novel.

Alice and Bella share a joke about how her mom doesn’t know what era Bella’s dress is from or rather designed to look like it’s from. Now it feels like a Twilight novel.

I really hate this condescension that Otis pours over modern life and its residents. I really do. It’s the kind of snobbish attitude that makes someone insufferable. People like Otis put on such airs because they like to feel superior to the rest of us. Eat me with ketchup, Heinz fifty seven fancy to be specific, Meyer.

Bella gets the usual wedding junk something old, something new and gets escorted downstairs by Charles. She searches around for Ed and sees him standing at the front with Carlisle. Good, I was wondering who was going to give Edward away. Bella fights the urge to run up to the minister, say ‘I do’ and tear Ed’s tux off right there.

Well now would be a terrible time for a surprise attack by Van Helsing. Anthony Hopkins bursts through the door and fires stakes through the heart of everyone with no care for living or dead. He knows with certainty that anyone that befriends these creatures of the night will invite them and become their servants. At least that’s what’s happening in my mind.

As much aching detail as we get Otis skips the whole vows. Bella only mentions there was one small change from ‘til death’ to as long at they both live. Aw, that’s so sweet I think I just got a cavity.

Bella cries, the two kiss, and Bella pays no attention to the rest of the world. Aside from the fancy clothes this could be nothing more than an average day for madam Dishrag. The only person of note seems to be Seth, the only wolf who makes an appearance.

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