My badger has returned and informed me that Otis has no heart. If I were a cruel man this would earn him punishment but I am benevolent. I gave him a bit of honeycomb and a pat on the head. We’ll destroy her, my familiar, soon.
Anywho, the book starts off in earnest with Bella suffering an anxiety attack at a stop light. She’s freaking because everyone is staring at the Mercedes Guardian she’s driving with limo black tint over every window.
Wow. For the first time in the series Otis actually identifies the model of a car not just the make. Take for example the Volvo which is purportedly shiny and new yet we never get told what kind. Bella’s truck is just an old Chevrolet if I remember correctly, though I’m not bothering to check.
First off Otis there is no Guardian model. I’m assuming you’re referring to the S-Guard series which Mercedes produces and started doing back in ’06. It’s an armored vehicle that leaves the factory ready to escort world leaders in style and comfort, or middling management types that can afford it and are paranoid that Jenkins in accounting is trying to get them. To make up for the protective measures it sports, the S-Guard comes with a twelve cylinder, turbocharged. I couldn’t find out which engine they use as the base power plant but that’s neither here nor there.
You may be asking yourself, why is Bella in a fake version of the S-Guard? Good question. Let’s see, Victoria’s dead along with all the bad vamps. Even if they weren’t I don’t believe explosives are their weapons of choice if only because Otis doesn’t know a thing about them.
The gas jockey, who I’m imagining as the Vincent Price from House of Wax for no particular reason other than he rules, wants a picture of the car. He claims they haven’t even come out in Europe yet.
Um, Otis? Just another factoid for you. The S-Guard series became available for purchase in ’06, two years before the publication of this ‘book’ of yours. I know you think you’re being cute and trying to tell us that the Cullens have stolen Scrooge McDuck’s fortune but quit it.
Bella finds it curious that her truck died just after she promised to let Ed replace it when it died. Yes folks, Ed has to be in control of everything including what Bella drives. I wonder if he let her keep her old clothes? It’s the ‘before’ car to make sure she survives up until she gets bitten. The ‘after’ is probably something sportier I‘m sure.
Ed, just freaking bite her, please. Just take control of the situation like the freak you are and turn her already. I know what’s coming and I want no part of it. And yet I’m compelled to read on. (The power of wolves compels me!)
Bella wonders if Jake could have fixed the truck. She would have asked him if he hadn’t gone missing. They put up posters hoping someone would spot him. Lost: huge bear-like wolf dog. Is really a big puppy at heart. Answers to Snuffles or Jacob. Call 555-Dishrag. Reward offered.
Bella checks up on Jacob via a Seth. Learning a few things from Edward are we? Jake is somewhere in Canada and doesn’t plan on coming home. Good for you Jake, though you might want to head down to Arizona. The person responsible for your misery is making a fortune off of it.
There’s a flash back of Bella telling Charles she’s getting married. For some reason Edward grimaces when Bella says everything is okay to calm her dad down, he doesn’t like the word okay. I guess he expects to control his wife’s language as well as every other minute detail of her life.
Charles wonders what the hell the big rush is. Is she pregnant? No, that comes later father dearest. Bella’s still hyperventilating about approaching nineteen. I’m starting to think that Bella has gerontophobia.
Alice, please come along and slap some sense into Bella. Edward, though ‘frozen’ at seventeen is over a hundred years old. You will never, ever, ever catch up to this Bella.
Maybe that’s the whole appeal to these books, not the crappy romance or the ‘action’. Maybe it appeals to people who are scared to face the fact they’re getting older and they too just want to join the Cullens in Never Never Land. Never grow old. Never die. It’s fun to be a vampire.
Rene knew it of course. I guess she’s been getting regular PlotExpress deliveries along with Alice. Contrary to Bella’s worries, Rene tells her to go at it and do the marriage thing early. Otherwise they wouldn’t be able to advance the plot like Otis wants.
Bella comes back to reality, as close as that is possible in this book, and finds her dad being dressed by Alice. You know, as creepy as it is, the weird dynamic between Alice and Charles is fascinating. I wonder if Alice will toy with him for a few years and use him as a mantoy?
Bella and Alice try fitting the dress one more time before the wedding. Meanwhile she drifts off and fantasizes about losing her virginity. I think I’m going to be sick.
Vivisector's Writ 
First sentence = win
Jacob advertisement = win