Before we get into the book lets examine the oft skipped lesser parts. No I don’t mean the chapters themselves. I mean the pieces that are even more inconsequential than the rest of Otis’s crap.
Again my eyes fall on the Acknowledgements and I’m treated her thanking Muse. I know I’ve already griped about it so I’ll skip it this time. She also thanks her ninja/agent.
That actually makes a lot of sense of you ask me. A ninja would be what you need to ensure this story saw publication. Which one of the nine clans did she hire, do you think? And did it cost her a hundred pieces of gold or a little less because it only causes pain, not death? I’d ask but ninjas are a notoriously closemouthed lot.
Let’s see, the chapters are dismally named. As per usual she telegraphs the plot just by these. In truth you don’t need to read the things, just the chapter titles and you know what’s going on. Also, this book is broken up in to three ‘books’ Bella, Jacob and Bella again. I imagine the Jacob book will be easier to get through. I have no foreknowledge to base this off, just a hunch.
Now let’s flip forward to the acknowledgements at the end. Why do we have two pages of these? Why that’s the joy of Stephanie Meyer also known as Queen of the Redundant! Someone needed to sit her down before an oversight committee before her next novel.
She thanks her hawt, her spelling not mine, publicist. Fans for their impeccable taste, which they don’t have. People I don’t know and are therefore getting a pass on being disemboweled by my trained Honey Badger. And more bands that she dares blame for this. Interpol, Motion City Soundtrack and Spoon. Also Muse gets mentioned four more times.
Jasper, my badger not your character, will kill you slowly Otis. Especially for tainting bands I like. He is trained in the ancient dungeon arts. Jasper takes joy in cruel forms of punishment. He will make you watch Youtube videos dedicated to Twilight and then he’ll get rough.
Not even having glanced at the print containing…plot I guess we’ll call it, and already I’m filled with dread. Time to marshal my strength and dig in. Jasper! Fetch me the heart of Otis while I read this!
Vivisector's Writ 