Eclipse Chapter Twenty Seven

Was the editor of this book even awake when it came though? Or did they want to expand the damned thing? Maybe the editor kept going back to Otis saying ‘We’ve got to have more lines! It has to be bigger, wordier, dumber!’

Bella pulls over and cries and Ed slips into the truck to comfort her. When they get to her house she sends Ed upstairs to wait for her. How admirable that she’s going to try and seduce the vampire through the grief, of not losing anyone. That’s dedication.

Charlie gets an abridged version of the haps. Bella then says she’ll be in her room and Charles just shrugs and lets her go. Good job being a dad. Your daughter looks like she might cry so you let her go off by herself.

I’m starting to see why Rene, she doesn’t get the pretentious accent mark over her name from me, divorced the guy. ‘Honey, the baby is making those sounds again!’ ‘What sounds?’ ‘You know the insistent ones. The kind she made in the hospital.’ ‘You mean crying?’ ‘I think so, I put her in her crib alone but it doesn’t seem to be helping.’ ‘Have you tried holding her?’ ‘Uh, I think I’m going to go fishing now. I’ll be back when she’s in junior high.’

Bella mopes and then falls asleep. When she wakes up she goes back to the House of Cullen and tells Alice she has some demands about her wedding. Oh please Bella, your life has been run by everyone else up till now. There’s no sense in trying to assert yourself this late in the game.

Alice just goes ‘whatev Bells, look at this dress.’ She went ahead and sized then ordered a dress for Bella from a small designer that resembles something from Anne of Green Gables so says Bella. The groan you heard was not me. It was the sound of Lucy Montgomery rising from the grave to claw Stephanie Meyer’s eyes out for trying to bolster a bad book with her work. I beg of you Lucy, be none too gentle.

Edward starts asking why she’s letting Alice do all this and Bella says it’s because she doesn’t want to be greedy. Edward tells her the deal is off because she’s being so unselfish. Oh yes, a big extravagant wedding with all your friends and family. That’s the most unselfish thing I can think of. Next Bella will go buy herself a Mercedes because she’s feeling charitable.

Out of nowhere Edward offers to turn her that very night. She starts to protest but he’s all ‘Don’t worry baby, I didn’t forget how much you’ve been wanting something else and good news. I’ve finally decided to give women a try!’ They get within a couple of moments of doing it and Bella brings it to a halt this time.

She wants to do everything “right”. First marriage and then she’ll say goodbye to her family before she eats them to gain their power. Edward goes ‘Oh well, I guess there’s always that Yoga instructor down the street. Maybe if I test out my desire for womanly parts on her.’

Bella makes a lame joke about taking the ring home and telling her father, saying that it’s a good thing Edward is bullet proof. Bella, he didn’t mind when Edward dragged you forcibly from the house, he won’t bat an eye at a marriage proposal. And the last fricking chapter of this wordy mish-mash comes to an end.

<<Chapter Twenty Six

Eclipse Epilogue>>

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1 Response to Eclipse Chapter Twenty Seven

  1. Erin says:

    you must be about to kill someone… there is an epilogue!!!

    i’ve read it, it is lame…. LAME! i think Otis got bored with stupid Bella that she wrote a chapter from Jacobs perspective… when i first read it i had to do a double take… it is stupid.

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