Eclispe Chapter Twenty Six

I’ll bet after the last post you thought it had to be over, so did I. Otis is never done, never. I think that’s why she started writing Midnight Sun, because she’s found her calling in life. To hurt people with the power of the written word.

Bella is back at the House of Cullen, which is a lot like the house of Usher in that is should sink into the ocean. Alice ran out and bought a bunch of makeup for Bella. I don’t really understand why unless it’s to hide the bruises Ed leaves.

Alice tells Bella to go home and start working on the alibi she’ll give to Charles. You know Bella, you can tell you dad anything and he’ll be fine with it. Tell him you rescued a Leprechaun from a bear trap who gave you Excalibur which you used to rescue the Atlantians from Lord Voldemort while collecting Crystal Skulls. Likely he’ll just shrug and go fishing.

Alice stuffs her in some new clothes and tells her not to worry about Jacob, he’s fine. And he’s doing alright. Then the dumbest thing Alice has ever said comes out of her mouth.

“There’s no hurry. If you realized how much extra morphine Carlisle had to give him—what with his temperature burning it off so quickly—you would know that he’s going to be out for awhile.”

Okay Otis. Body temperature has NOTHING to do with how quickly your body deals with narcotics. Body weight and metabolism are the big two factors. You could have just said that he has a high metabolism ‘cause that’s how he heals so fast or something. But temperature? GAHGHH!

Bella doesn’t let the Jacob guilt bother her too much just yet. She wants to know if she’ll be like the girl the Volturi killed. No Bella, your author wouldn’t allow you to be anything less than perfect just like your beloved rock man. In fact when you transform your power will be to cure disease with the laying of hands.

Bella asks yet another plot hole related question and Otis begins dumping so much RetConcete it’s a wonder the characters don’t have chemical burns. She wants to know why Ed can’t read her mind yet Jasper can make her feel things yet Jane can’t hurt her with internet comments. Someone was obviously pointing these out to Otis when she wrote this.

Ready for the explanation? It’s because she’s only affected by physical things, not mental. That’s why Alice can see her but Aro can’t read her. But wait, aren’t emotions part of the mind not physical? I mean, don’t medications like Ritalin and such affect mood levels by altering dopamine levels and receptors? Are you sure you know anything about anything, Stephanie Meyer?

Then for the last question, apparently Bella is guarding a bridge and Alice has to answer three to get across, can Alice see her becoming a vampire. Alice says, ‘oh, sure, yeah. Absolutely!’ and then under her breath ‘a vampire snack.’

Bella goes home and talks to Charlie. Jake was awake and cursing, hopefully the author, and doing fine. The clan told Charles that Scooby was in a motorcycle accident and that’s why he’s all messed up. Charles tells Bella he doesn’t want her riding anymore.

Yet another question, Otis, why did the wolves bother to lie? Couldn’t they have just said Jake was sick and let him rest at a wolf house where everyone knows the secret? Then they wouldn’t have to pretend he’s really hurt for weeks on end, which they will.

Charlie goes on about Ed being more responsible than Jake and that now the clan has dropped their silly prejudice against the Cullens. When the hell did Charles turn into Atticus Finch? ‘Some people are different but it’s only on the outside and some folks can’t see that Scout, I mean Bella.’ Next, he’ll defend one of the vampires in court for a slaying that’ll turn out to have been done by a werewolf but people’s awful bias against the disco-raving leech men is just too powerful.

Then Charles has one last thing to say to Bella, before he dies I hope. He’s been getting this feeling that she’s going to disappear soon and be gone forever. Bella’s all ‘oh dad, if you only knew.’ To which he replies, ‘Wake me up, before you go go. Don’t leave me hangin’ on like a yo-yo.’

Bella drive to La Push and sits down next to Jake so she can hurt him a little more. I’m starting to think she likes doing that. She makes a mental note to thank whoever covered him with a blanket so she doesn’t have to see how hurt he is. Hrt ppl r gross! The thankless skank.

Jake and her banter for a second before he asks how Edward took it. Bella gushes about how unselfish and not angry he was and how great Edward is. He just wants her to be happy and doesn’t that make him the most wonderful sparkly friend in the gumdrop forest? See, I told you she likes hurting Jacob.

Jacob says nearly the same thing Ed did. ‘I just want you to be happy, ya dumb broad.’ Then he pretends to be angry because that’s what she wants. Jake isn’t very good at douchebaggery, not like grandmaster Edward, and he goes back to being nice in the space of four lines. Then he tells her he’s giving up and going to be just her friend who will only occasionally get drunk and feel her up when Ed’s not around.

Bella and him lament about how perfect they could have been and what a beautiful litter of pups they could have had together. Bella says that Jacob was her soul mate just overshadowed by something else so much bigger. It’s called codependency Bella or maybe Edward’s possessiveness.

Then we get the obligatory line that uses the book title. Jake says he would have been her sun and stars. She says he balanced out the clouds nicely and he says he couldn’t compete with an eclipse. Yeah Otis, we all get it. Edward is the only thing big enough to come between them.

<<Chapter Twenty Five

Chapter Twenty Seven>>