What better way to make your audience regret they ever progressed beyond Dick and Jane than having your character recap what they just read in the previous chapter? The first couple of paragraphs are just that. This is a recap of a recap. That’s very Escher stuff.
I hate to be a dick Otis, okay no I don’t, but you don’t have to remind us what we were just reading about. If someone’s really confused they can just flip back a couple pages, reread it and go forward again. That’s one of those neat features about books. They’ve had the rewind feature long before the DVR and the VCR. Pagewind, from Bantam.
Yes Bella’s getting married, she thinks she can get away with a quick Vegas ceremony and there’s still going to be a fight. Because Otis can’t give herself emotional distance, Bella has to have a big wedding and who else would deliver it to us than Alice Cullen née Cleo. ‘Yeah Bells, ya got a weddin’ in da cards! Call now for yo free reedin!’
We don’t know that yet but I used my vampire psychic powers and saw it coming. Or maybe I have a cumulative memory and recall that’s exactly what happened with Bella’s graduation party. Seal this prediction in an envelope and when it comes true you’ll have people wondering why you’re holding an envelope.
The Cullens are home and they’re getting Bella packed for a camping trip. Hurray! We can make smores and Eddie can bring a guitar and sing camp songs and they can tell vampire hunter stories and it’ll be the bestest trip in the woods evar! There’s only one way this camping trip will have a happy ending, for me anyway, and that’s if Eddie falls into the fire and burns while Bella gets caught in a bear trap and dies.
Apparently the Cullens have a lot of camping gear to keep up the Masquerade façade of humanity. Do they really need to? Who’s going to question the people that no one hangs out with? ‘Man, those Cullens sure are weird. Oh wait, I see mister Cullen buying a Kayak and missus Cullen picking up hiking boots. I was wrong, they’re perfectly normal.’
Bella calls Billy to see if Jake is ready. He’s not back from the groomers yet. He wanted to get his coated washed, brushed and trimmed before going out in the woods to play guard dog for Bella. And he’s learning a few new commands like sit, stay, and go buy Bella a pack of smokes.
The urge to fight must be a defining characteristic of the Y chromosome. They were all the same.
That line pops up after Billy comments on how he wishes he could go out there with everyone else. He must have said that because he wants to go out and stomp a new mud-hole or two in some undead. Or maybe he just wishes he was young again, again it would be complicated to explore a character. Otis finds it easier to make cardboard cutouts and paste nametags to them. Billy wishes the Cullens luck.
For some reason this is a big surprise to everyone. Eddie’s all ‘wow, that was a nice gesture’ while Bella’s baffled. It shouldn’t be a surprise, everyone says things they don’t really mean because it’s polite. ‘Sorry to hear about your dog.’, ‘I’ve never loved anyone besides you Bella.’ or ‘Of course you weren’t a mistake, Bells.’ You get lied to all the time girl.
Have you got your envelope ready? Good because you don’t need it. Not more than a few pages into the chapter and Alice begs to do her wedding. Bella puts up some resistance but, like always for her, it’s just a token effort.
Bella wanders into the woods but this time she has the chiseled man with her. She wanders around to make a false trail. She leaves a couple of hairs, nicks her hands and then leaves blood behind.
While Eddie bandages her hand she asks if the blood is driving him crazy. By all rights he should be foaming at the mouth and chewing his own lip off. He just says no, it doesn’t bother him anymore. Yes, that’s right. Edward used to suffer from bloodcraze but he got better.
They meet up with Jacob and he takes her to the campsite. On the way there they hold a conversation. Jacob chides Bella for falling for the first prick that launches itself at her. Bella refuses to concede the point to Jacob and argue with him, exactly what he wants. This way he can plant more seeds of doubt in her mind. Where the heck did he learn to be a clever bastard? I like it. Then the funniest line in the chapter crops up.
“You’re an enormous monster who refuses to respect anyone else’s personal space.”
While I’m not a psychologist I’ve learned a thing or two about human behavior. That smacks of projecting to me. Those are Edward’s faults forced outward onto an acceptable target.
Bella tells Jacob the Edward isn’t going to fight on the morrow. How selfish of her, how cruel. Cue organ music from any baseball game ever. Guilt, guilt, guilt trip. Guilt, guilt, guilt trip. Bada da duh da da! Charge!
She feels bad because what if someone gets hurt? Well the wolves heal real fast and vampires seem to be able to put themselves back together with nothing more than duct tape. Who cares if they get hurt? Bella worries what if someone dies? That would have to happen for it to be a problem.
Jacob says he wouldn’t stay behind if she asked because he knows she wouldn’t be mad at him afterwards. Bella retorts that she’d worry a whole lot as if it matters. Jacob asks why she cares so much. No really, when did the kid learn this subtlety? And then he blows it by trying to tell her she loves him too. Jake, she’s just not into control unless you’re an agent of Satan.
They talk about the pack and how Jacob is second in command. Sam is the Alpha, Jacob is the Beta. Sam is the pitcher, Jacob is the catcher. That makes Sam chief of the tribe, probably because he can tell Iams from brand X with his nose. It turns out Jake was supposed to take over because he’s closer in lineage to the first chief but he doesn’t want that.
They get to the campsite finally, Edward is there. It’s snowing and getting cold. Jake runs off to change while Bella gets inside the tent.
Other lies people say, just to be polite:
‘Ohhh…. your baby is SO cute’ (in fact if my friend has an ugly baby, i prefer to comment on the baby’s cute outfit rather than the baby as i hate to lie about that stuff).
‘No, Stephanie, Renesme is a great baby name, use it, I’m sure EVERYONE will love it’.
‘Sure, your hair looks great’.
‘I doubt that anyone will notice’.
‘No, the wound on my arm wasn’t caused by Edward pushing me into a table full of crystal in a fit of rage aimed at his brother. I… uh… fell’ (to save Charlie any worry).
‘Bella, it’s not true what my family tells you. I truly do love vaginas’.
Vivisector, you are doing a splendid job re-capping each chapter. I hope you aren’t getting too upset as you read along… you seem a little short at Otis and her ramblings, well more than usual. Keep your chin up, there isn’t much more to go…
In fact you could stop here and move directly onto Breaking Dawn and not skip a beat… I mean, yes, Victoria comes back in 2 chapters, but does what really? She’s SO scary, oooooo… Anyway as if Otis would breakup Eddie and the cheeseburger?