Eclipse Chapter Nineteen

I’ve begun to suspect that Otis set herself a target word count when she wrote these. Each book had to grow by some factor only she knows and if it didn’t, she had to go back and make it wordier. That’s the only explanation I have for the constant reminders, pointless dialogue and extra words. Take, for example, the opening to this chapter.

Edward carried me home in his arms, expecting that I wouldn’t be able to hang on. I must have fallen asleep on the way.

That’s good to know, I might have thought Edward stuffed her in a sack if she didn’t explicitly state otherwise. In fact if she’d left it like that I could have imagined the scene that way and reading this wouldn’t be so difficult. Was that was Otis wanted? For anyone who read it to be unable to derive any enjoyment, even ironically, from it? At least she spared us the tedium of Edward run thro the woodz and he iz ttly fast drivel we got on her way out there.

Bella sleeps through the day and into the afternoon. Edward tells her she was talking a whole lot in her sleep. Nothing plot related I hope. Edward offers to make her breakfast in bed but Bella beats him to the punch and makes Pop-tarts. What, you didn’t trust him to operate a toaster?

There’s a little bit of sexism that’s better disguised than the rest. I’ve never seen a man cook in twilight. But wait, you might say, Charlie made Bella spaghetti once. But wait, I will say back, he made a terrible mess of it much like the clumsy dad on any sitcom. ‘I’m an electrician, surely I can operate a stove.’ Cue the shot from the doorway of a fireball belching out then dad comes running after it with his back on fire. The kids run over, fire extinguisher in hand, and spray him down while a trumpet wah-wahs at the poor dope. Oh men, we are so useless at domestic tasks.

Edward and his vampire tunnel vision allows him to just now, after countless hours of watching Bella sleep, notice Jacob’s gift. Edward whines that it’s not fair that everyone else can give her presents, can he give her something. Oh, you can give her something, heh heh. A bite on the neck and three days chained up in the basement while she transforms. He’s going to give her something he’s had for awhile though but won’t elaborate.

Edward’s phone buzzed.

He looked at the number before he opened it. “What is it, Alice?”

Do those really need to be two paragraphs? I’m revising my previous statement, it’s not a word count so much as a page count. ‘Twilight, a waste of paper? I’ll show you a waste of paper!’

Alice tells Edward something but he already knows because Bella talked in her sleep. Maybe Edward doesn’t want to turn Bella because of her psychic sleep jabber. He’s hoping she’ll blurt out the Powerball numbers one night so he can blow the family off and open a nightclub in Ecuador.

Bella says she wants to be bait and I don’t see a good reason why not. Edward blathers on about the pack mind and how fascinating it is. You know, he’s said fascinating so many times by now I’m starting to wonder if he wasn’t partly inspired by Spock. ‘Facinating, werewolf. That is highly illogical.’

He also reveals that one of the wolves is Leah Clearwater. Bella is shocked as was I. Didn’t Otis make a point of saying that only the sons of the Chief Eats-Sparklies could change? And if it can affect the girls too then why is there only one? You’re digging a big hole here Otis, try filling it in with RetConcrete.

Leah apparently makes life hard for the pack though. Not because of her missing man parts though, because she was Sam’s girlfriend and then he was compelled(the power of wolves Compels you!) onto Scarface. Edward then comments on the compulsion and says it’s one of the strangest things he seen and he’s seen some strange stuff. Yeah, like a gay vampire falling for a dishrag.

Then there’s Embry. He’s a wolf but his mom isn’t Quileute and the most likely fathers are Quil Sr, Billy, and some dude named Joshua Uley. They were all married at the time. Cue Guiding Light theme music.

Bella steers the conversation back to the attack and wants to be in the clearing as bait. Edward says no and Bella calls herself selfish. She says she doesn’t want him to go away and Edward comforts her. This causes her more guilt. Wow, Eddie. You’ve got this one trained.

It comes down to ‘let me be bait’ or ‘stay with me out of the fighting’. Eddie decides to confer with Jasper. Before he goes he asks about the ‘third wife’ which Bella was mumbling about. It’s good to see Otis fall back on the dream foreshadowing once more.

Alice comes over and Edward leaves. Charlie comes home and goes ‘Jailbait! I mean, hello Alice.’ Alice gets Bella’s schedule clear for the fight on Saturday.

They go back to the clearing for more practice. Jacob is there and two other wolves. Bella goes into one of her whines about how someone could die. Especially the wolves because they are so frail and not indestructible like Eddie.

Tweet! Unnecessary exposition. Yellow card for Bella Swan. One more and you’re out of the chapter.

Jacob sits next to Bella and she keeps whining about how dangerous it is. He rolls his eyes and laughs, as best a wolf can anyway. You know, maybe Jacob wants to get his ticket punched so he can drop out of Twilight and end up in something more dignified like Dracula versus the Wolfman versus Teletubbies.

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