I think I’ve decoded Otis’s style. Whenever these chapters start with dialogue I know time has passed. Unless it’s someone else talking. Or maybe she doesn’t have a style and these are assembled in a haphazard fashion just as the story itself. Ah well. We begin sixteen, called Epoch, with Bella whining. What a change.
“I have nothing to wear!” I moaned to myself.
She laments that her stolen blouse would be perfect for her graduation. Wow, it’s all coming together now. The blouse, the theft and Edward sneaking in. These books are a subtle advertisement for home security systems. Very clever Home Security Council, I’m on to your game.
Alice pops in, she’s like the Kramer of the Twilight series, and drops off some clothes. ‘Gidyup, Bella.’ Alice said. ‘So I was talking to Marcus and he knows a guy downtown that does knock off designer brands. He sells them to tourists from Europe at a third the cost.’ Next they’ll trade apartments and Bella will have her retinas burned out by a red neon sign.
Alice gripes about not being able to see the vampire that stole Bella’s blouse. Bella reaches a conclusion the rest of us jumped to and have been at, sipping froufrou drinks and making small talk, while waiting for the characters to catch up with us. SPOILER ALERT The vampires doing the killings and the thief that took Bella’s blouse are the same! SPOILER ALERT
Just when you think you know what’s going to happen, Otis throws you a curve ball. That was a bigger surprise that finding out Luke Skywalker’s lineage in Empire. Yup, Bella decides that these vampires stole her scent and are going to kill her.
Now Bella, what if they just want to make a vampire perfume? You smell so damn delicious that it could be marketable. Think about all the vampires that want to rekindle the waning interest of a centuries old relationship. Get the jump on them and launch it first. New Bella Swan, from C.C.(Carlisle Cullen). Heck you can release it jointly with a line of lingerie called Esme’s Secret. You’ll dominate the vampire romance market!
Bella feels relief that all those people in Seattle died for her. What a load off her mind huh? Knowing that no one was trying to rid the world of the Cullens but rather their next member makes me feel better.
Charlie interrupts them both, sounding edgy. What like a Doritos commercial from the nineties? She says this is because he hates occasions. I think it’s really because he resents his daughter for not being a boy. That might explain why he’s so distant and awful as a parent but Otis wouldn’t want to develop a character trait. It’s easier to let Charlie remain a cardboard character and focus on the abuse love story that’s going on somewhere in between the details of Bella brushing her teeth and doing laundry.
Bella rides with Charlie to the graduation ceremony. At some point the man figured he should pretend to be involved with his daughter and what better time to start than at graduation? Edward goes with and takes a ride in the back, too bad it’s just not to county jail.
For once Charlie shows some appropriate emotion. He starts getting choked up that Bella is grown up. Maybe he realizes that he wasted so much of her childhood going fishin’. Bella admonishes him for tearing up. ‘Please dad, don’t think because I let you drive I’ve given you permission to be a parent for the day.’
Bella meets up with Jessica(who? Oh her mortal friend) and they sit next to each other. Can you believe it? We’re going to graduate and then I’m never going to see you guys again. Here, have another Jello shooter. Bella’s just glad that soon she can say goodbye to her friends as she’s soon to greet them as fleshy bags of mostly deliciousness. People, Mmm-mmm good!
Diplomas are handed out, people are sad and Bella is counting the breaths until she gets to be immortal. Alice, armed with the plot, is trying to keep it away from Edward. Yes apparently even though Edward can read minds you can vamp block him by thinking about other things. Alice does this by imagining herself naked and it repulses Edward into staying out of her head.
Bella reveals to Edward that she knows what Alice was hiding. Edward goes ‘Aw, you girls and your secrets’ and leaves it at that. Oh wait, because he has to know everything because it would be wrong to trust the womenfolk, he pries it out of her. When she tells him, well see for yourself.
His face had turned so white that I had a hard time finishing.
Um, Otis? Do you realize these vampires of yours are pale, right? You’ve never described them as having any color beyond the pallor of death. And they don’t have heartbeats or blood flow right? So just how in the world can they go whiter? Do they spray themselves with Krylon to get that effect? No really, tell me.
Edward starts having a panic attack and Bella begs him to be calm just like she does when she burns dinner. Charlie congratulates Bella, again. He also mentions that Jacob and Billy were there but she doesn’t care because she’s worried about Edward having a fit. She is regretting telling him and wishing she had waited until there were no breakable things.
And nothing breakable close by — like windows. . . cars . . . school buildings.
This is a good thing? You’re worried he’ll start breaking things in a fit of rage? But what a great and wonderful guy he is, what control he has over himself. I guess since Otis dialed back Eddie’s emotional abuse she had to make up for it by increasing the potential physical threat.
Charlie offers to take Bella to the ‘Lodge’ which I imagine to be like a Sizzler or a Steak ‘n Ale because Charlie likes it. Charlie only likes things that are the stereotypical American male staples of manliness from nineteen sixty. I think Otis decided that all men, who aren’t sparkly, strive to be caricatures of John Wayne.
Of course because this is something that Charlie likes, Bella hates it. Taking a page from mothers everywhere she gets all passive aggressive and pretends to enjoy it while saving up a bunch of resentment to hurl at him when they get into their next argument.
Bella sits there glaring at the world and wondering what to leave in her suicide note that she’ll post on facebook. There’s all sorts of people there that she knows so she stares across the booth at her dad and ignores everyone.
Charlie socalizes, Charlie eats slowly, Charlies pays the bill and leaves a tip. But was it ten percent? Twenty? How was the service, average or above? Were the drinks refilled in a timely manner? I need to know! Don’t skimp on the details damn it Otis!
Edward shows up outside. What was he doing before this? Probably watching her eat and collecting the dishes she’d used. It’s all to be part of his shrine which he made so perfectly because everything he does is without flaw.
Bella lets her dad drive her home. She makes some lame speech about how glad she was that she came to live with him. C’mon Bella, even your dimwitted father knows the only reason you’re glad is because Edward was there. Charlie also mentions that no one should kiss her if she doesn’t want them to. Way to show support Charles, after the fact.
They go to the Cullens for the party. Charlie doesn’t want to go in because now is a perfect time for some night fishing.
“And nothing breakable close by — like windows. . . cars . . . school buildings.” …ME… puppies (tehee)
“But was it ten percent? Twenty? How was the service, average or above? Were the drinks refilled in a timely manner? I need to know! Don’t skimp on the details damn it Otis!”
What was the done-ness of the meat they ate? Does Bella pick over her food evenly? Or eat each part individually? Was there breadrolls to nom before the food got there? Okay, seriously. I need to put this away until I am in the privacy of my home where I can laugh as loud as need be.