I don’t know what it is about the openings to these chapters. Every time I crack the book open and start one up I get a good line.
“The same thing that happened to your hand.” Jasper answered in a quiet voice.
Ah, James bit you huh? Was that something that’s going to get covered in Midnight Sun? Jasper and James’s secret affair ending in scars that go deeper than skin. I kid Jasper though really I do. Jasper goes on to tell us, heck I’ll just quote again.
“Before I tell you my story,” Jasper said, “you must understand that there are places in our world, Bella, where the life span of the never-aging is measured in weeks, and not centuries.”
No, freaking way. That was actually awesome. I had to read it thrice to believe someone in this book said something I wanted to hear. Immortals that get splattered faster than pheasants on the highway? Next you’ll tell me they’re engaged in war.
Carlisle and Emmett are so bored by the story though that they turn away and watch TV. Hur? Seriously? Is this something Jasper talks about a lot? Does he hold random passerby hostage and regale them with it? Cause I don’t recall Jasper going over it in the previous books. In fact, this is the kind of not happy story I bet Jasper only tells once to someone. Out of respect I would think Carlisle and Emmett would turn off the TV and listen or at least leave the room. Go Carlisle vampire compassion.
Jasper tells us that in the south vampires are at war. Oh freaking yeah. See, I knew there had to be some redeeming factor to these. It’s all ‘no, I love you more’ for two books and some odd chapters and then all hell breaks loose. The last part of Eclipse and Breaking Dawn is just going to be one ultimate showdown, right? Please, Stephy, I beg you. Let John Woo direct the rest of your book.
Apparently in the south where there are more people it’s easier to feed. This draws the undead like flies to a Taco Bell. The vampires though are greedy and they want to wipe out their brethren because if there’s less of them they can feed like gluttons and usher in Hedonism 2: After Sunset. It’s nothing like that in the north.
Hold up Otis. So in the south, where the days are longer, the vampires fight more? Wait, do they get stir crazy or something? Or is she saying something about South America and hot blood?
Oh wait, I know what inspired this. Otis went to Mexico for vacation and it scared her. ‘Der is like, not enough air conditioning n dey are po’ here. Nao I’s knw wht Hell is.’
So as Otis tells it, the vampires fight by making a bunch of fledglings newborns and they’re crazy like Murdoch from Lethal Weapon, not like Lisa Nowak. They’re also really strong on account that they’re full of blood, both their own and any that they take in. Blood equals vampire fuel and fledglings are alcohol fueled dragsters. For the first year of their life they’re basically eating machines that can tear through most anything. Awesome, lets get to the dismemberment.
Flash back to Houston Texas circa 1861 when Jasper joins the confederate army. He lied about his age and joins in the fighting. Jasper moves up in ranks quickly because he’s got a way with people, he’s a facilitator if you will, a natural leader. Wow, a believable character trait. How long is this going to keep up? Did Otis get someone to guest write this chapter? Maybe her editor did it for her.
Outside Galveston, Jasper ran into a group of three vampires. He senses the danger but he feels compelled by his upbringing to offer them help, to be chivalrous. Whoa, again something plausible and interesting. Now I know Otis didn’t write this. Any who, they sense there’s something different about him and so the nom him.
Maria, the leader of the girls, used Jasper’s emotional control to keep the fledglings bloodlust in check. She assembles twenty three soldiers plus Jasper and unleashes them on another coven. Maria gets control of northern Mexico and Texas before going down.
Fights ensue, vampires die and the all out war settles down into vendetta killings. Jasper hints that vampires don’t forgive the loss of a partner. I had to highlight this part as a rare example of foreshadowing that wasn’t done via one of Bella’s stupid dreams.
Jasper works with a fledgling who falls in love with one of Maria’s dispos-a-soldiers. They run away and he lets them go. Five years later they come back and tell Jasper about moving north and living peacefully. Jasper’s all ‘yeah, my old lady kind of sucks anyway’ so he leaves.
He follows them around but he’s depressed. Hey Jasper, long nights and sparkling got you down? Do you no longer enjoy hunting down humans and draining their vital fluids? Does your pact with Satan start to look foolish in the long dark hours as you chain smoke cigarettes and stare at a razor blade while listening to country music? Try Fizer’s new Bloodzloft, for vampires!
Bloodzloft is not for everyone. Ask your dark priest of it’s right for you. Side effects may include, loss of fangs, dry mouth, seal baiting, a condition known only as hot dog fingers, anxiety attacks, anxiety retaliations, increased interest in honey badger husbandry, drowning, hysterics, ritual sacrifice, driving backwards, lowered toaster libido, bass fishing, Tokyo drifting and heartbeats.
Talk to your unholy Pastor if your venom production increases, decreases or stops. Sudden and irregular heartbeats may indicate spontaneous resurrection. If this occurs do not wait, seek unmedical attention immediately.
Jasper feels worse with each person he kills because he can feel their terror as they die. He ends up in Philly and steps into a diner. In a scene eerily similar to that from Next, Alice is waiting for him. With her vision she has located the Cullens, takes Jasper with her and greets them.
When they show up Alice shocks them by knowing all about them and wanting to know what room she can move into. Edward complains that he came home and found his stuff in the garage because she wanted his room. Alice gets double cool points today, heck for the rest of the series, just for that.
Jasper confirms that the killings are being done by fledglings and they’re not being trained. In order to keep the Volturi away they will have to destroy the fledglings themselves and Jasper will teach everybody how. Alice’s vision is still fuzzy so she can’t tell who they are. Somebody must be operating a psychic microwave nearby. The Cullen clan decides they should get to training while Carlisle calls for some reinforcements from Alaska.
Unfortunately the Alaskan clan is angry at the wolves for killing Laurent and won’t get involved. That was very nice of Jacob to publish Laurent’s obituary after they tore him up. Besides, the Alaskans aren’t people eaters just like the Cullens right? And wasn’t Laurent having trouble sticking to Atkins?
The Alaskan Nibblers say they’ll offer help if the Cullens will allow them to get rid of the furries. Help won’t be coming from them so the Cullens will be going alone and they’ll be outnumbered. Some of them will die! Ohs noes!
LOL, hot dog fingers???? Sounds serious!
LOL ‘increased interest in honey badger husbandry’????
Doesn’t this imply that they already have an interest in honey badger husbandry? interesting pastimes these vamps have?
“Go Carlisle vampire compassion.”
Also, how can Jasper and Alice be SO cool and not have this book be about them?