Eclipse Chapter Eleven

The openings to some of the chapters brings a thin ray of hope where it is not deserved. Take, for example, this gem of a beginning.

“Are you gonna eat that hot dog?”

That’s the kind of line that starts off a terrible fanfic starring Bella and the gang of wolves. Of course Paul, the angry one in the group, is asking this of Jacob. Jacob gives it to his buddy with only the minimal of teasing. Believe it or not this isn’t a joke. Because Jacob threw it at Paul, Bella takes the opportunity to whine about not being dexterous.

Hey Bella, here’s a tip for you. Do something! If you really wanted to not be such a klutz, you should try going outside and getting some exercise. Take up a hobby like racquetball or tennis or even plate spinning. Anything will help you. Otherwise quit your whining!

Bella dropped off her bike with Jacob. Embry greeted her with a hearty “Hey, vampire girl!” Ouch, what razor sharp wit from the wolves. They proceed to make some comments about staying downwind to get rid of the bloodsucker stench. It’s easy to see where all the movie’s best lines will come from.

We are introduced to other characters with personalities no thicker than rice paper. Old Quil, Sue Clearwater(the daughter of Charlie’s friend who died and added nothing to the story) and some kids.

We’re treated to watching one of the wolves and his girlfriend whom he imprinted on. This is supposed to get us used to the idea and how totally not creepy it is. No it’s super special awesome, just like the shrine I have in my closet to Meagan Fox. With devotion like that how could she not fall in love?

Jacob finally reveals why they’re all here. To practice stripping. Oh wait, no. It’s to rehear the boring old legends that Billy and Old Quil have surely told their children so many times that they just sigh and go back to watching TV. But now they know they’re true!

So hold on one second. Did Billy know the legends were true? Old Quil? Shouldn’t that mean that one of them can go all fursplody? Doesn’t that, according to SnakeMeyer, make them stay young? I’m confused and I know it’s only going to get worse.

Billy begins his story and apparently the Quileutes had magic spirit powers which allowed them to leave their bodies and send winds and animals against their enemies. This was all so they could terrorize the other natives of the west coast and drive them away.

One day a bad man realized that with great spirit powers comes great responsibility. So he used his power against the chief. He made the chief leave his body then took over the chief in a hilarious Freaky Friday tribute and ruled the Quileutes.

Real chief was trapped in the spirit realm and in order to keep anybody from finding out about it, Bad Chief told everyone Yo, the spirit realm has gone all Compton after dark. You don’t roll there showing red fo’.

No one bothers to question chief Seattle’s new proclamations about giving all their wives over to him and staying out of the spirit realm. Well old chiefy has been watching from afar and this is all making him sad.

He eventually finds a wolf and takes up residence inside like a squatter. The wolf gets piloted back to the village. Someone realizes that the wolf, not eating or stalking or even running in a pack, must be under control. He breaks the rules and cross over into spirit realm and meets the old chief. There is a lot of hugs and a little bromance and tears.

Wolf chief gets mad and turns into a man, a far prettier man who primps his clothes and hair more often. He kills his old body, gives the wives back except for his own and goes on to commit crazed bestiality with his old honey. All of his sons get the wolf power from then on.

Time passes and chief doesn’t get old. He has many wives and mucho kiddo’s. He eventually figures out that by not changing he gets to age again. Then vampires show up, wolves die and old chief has to make one last transformation. His current wife distracts the vampire by stabbing herself and drawing attention away. This allows chief eats-poop-from-the-litter-box to get the upper hand and kill vampy. Then the father of furry abominations wanders off into the woods to go dance with Kevin Costner.

Billy closes by telling us that as time went on the tribe stopped changing into wolves unless a vampire was around. Hence why all of a sudden the latest crop of wolves are a response to the Cullens, right?

Except that the first wolves didn’t need an outside threat of vamps to make them change. They just could. So why did they only stop changing when the vamps stopped showing up? Or are we supposed to ignore the shoddily thrown together fake Indian legend?

Oh and the grandfathers of the current wolf pack were the ones that made the original treaty with the Cullens, surprise!

The story wraps up as Billy realizes that everyone has fallen asleep. Jacob carries Bella back to the boundary and calls Edward for her because, hey, that’s the kind of control Edward exercises over her.

There is much boring talking between Eddie and Bella along the lines of How was your day? Oh, fine and yours? Bella goes to sleep and dreams of Rosalie fighting Jacob. Please Bella, don’t write checks that your author can’t cash. That might be interesting.

Edward reads Wuthering heights and leaves a passage open for Bella to read to us. Hmm, a story with abuse referencing a story about abuse. And this is a love story right? Not a very long cautionary tale about the insidious forms abuse can take?

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