Let’s talk about incompetence for a second. No, not Chris’s general poor abilities or the failing of his editor to hammer this into a better product or even his agent’s inability to get better clients, leaving her with this hack. I’m talking about general human incompetence. The kind where people brew coffee into a not quite empty decanter, causing it to overflow and spill everywhere. Or the kind where someone on an assembly line grabs the wrong bolt and forces it into the engine block because they just don’t care.

We all have to deal with it at some point. The general observation seems to be that about a third of the people working anywhere are useless. They manage to show up, occupy space and then leave. They can’t be trusted to work without constant supervision and their work always need to be double checked but, for whatver reasons, they can’t get fired. I’d be willing to bet this holds true for any job, including the military.

Which is why I wonder about Gabby making people swear allegiance to him. Wouldn’t that prove more harmful than not? Imagine an Imperials soldier, drafted against his will and forced to swear allegiance in magic words to Gabby. Then Gabby sends him off to fight and get killed by Eragon because he doesn’t want to be disturbed while he organizes his collection of toenail clippings preserved in jars of urine. But soldier boy doesn’t like the looks of the fight and would rather not end up as a snack for the flying blue eating machine known as Saphira. What to do?

What if he just malingered or wandered off and took a nap in the woods when he was supposed to be gaurding camp? Or if he went into battle with everyone else and let his unit overtake him during a charge, then dropped his weapon and surrendered at the first opportune moment? Just because he promised to loyalty to Gabby doesn’t assure he puts forth his best effort.

But what if Gabby made stipulations? It’s true, old Gabs could get rather specific in his oaths and really put the screws to them. But why bother? Why not just make everyone believe it’s in their best interest? Citizens will go a lot farther for a country they care about than one they loathe or fear. Gabby could make the argument that the Varden want to subjugate humans under elves and, judging by the glimpses of racism against them in this book, people would jump to fight the Varden off.

The real reason is that Chris wants to hang all the evil in Alagaёsia around Gabby’s neck and that just won’t wash. Gabby might make a nice focal point that could gather evil and cultivate it but he’s not alone in it. It’s not like all the members of the Imperial army are just good guys working for the villain because Gabby is pointing a gun at their children.

This chapter is called “departure”. So it’s not enough that Eragon sat around reading and talking about the place he was going but now we’re going to dally while he gets his gear arranged and packed before taking off. That’s what earns you the big bucks, Chris.

Eragon has Garven send one of the nighthawks go get supplies in secrecy. Oh good choice, send out the guy with Elfheimers to carry a message. Next time you’ll see him will be six months from now, wandering the countryside in a soiled robe and slippers while muttering about getting Carter out of office. And why do you need to be so secret, Eragon? It’s not like the Varden won’t notice the giant dragon and their leader has suddenly gone missing.

‘Hey, Esther?’ ‘Yes Bob?’ ‘Have you noticed something different around here?’ ‘Now that you mention it, there is something odd in the Varden camp. I can’t quite put my finger on it though.’ ‘Me neither. I just get the impression that there was something here that’s not right now, something blue.’ ‘You know, I’m getting that too. I think it was those blue cupcakes they were serving in the mess tent yesterday.’ ‘You’re probably right. Those went damn fast.’

Then Eragon worries about feeding Saphira while they’re there. But you just read how the riders stayed on that island because there were lots of unique creatures to make extinct. Couldn’t Saphira feast on some of the local fauna then or does he know how greedy dragons are and figures there’s not a living vertebrate left on the island?

Once Eragon gets his supplies together, it’s time for him to tell his elven bodyguards what he’s doing. This takes about an hour to get across as they’re especially thick elves. Or there’s the magic curse that protects Vroengard but that’s just a cover. It takes Eragon even longer to convince the elves that he has to go.

They raise the point that it might be demoralizing to see Eragon disappear so soon after Nasuada got kidnapped. Gee, you think? So why not drop the secrecy and lie? Tell everyone Eragon is going to chase after Murtagh and Thorn or scout ahead and prepare the way to the capital. That’ll probably keep them in line for a couple of days.

Instead of going with a sensible plan like mine, Eragon decides it’s better to deceive the Varden. The elves are going to create an illusionary Saphira and Eragon and fly them around. We’re reminded that these illusions will be unthinking and unable to talk. And that duh you heard ‘round the world was me screaming at the book. Eragon knows that people who interact with him and big blue will see through the ruse quickly so he takes steps to prevent trouble.

So Eragon ordered Garven to wake all the Nighthawks and bring them to him as discreetly as possible. When the whole company was gathered before his tent, Eragon explained to the motley group of men, dwarves, and Urgals why he and Saphira were leaving, although he was purposefully vague about the details and he kept their destination a secret. Then he explained how the elves were going to conceal their absence, and he had the men swear oaths of secrecy in the ancient language. He trusted them, but one could never be too careful where Galbatorix and his spies were concerned.

Huh. Making people swear in the ancient language because, in spite of Eragon’s assertion, he doesn’t really trust them. You know, a good author would use this to illustrate how easy it was for Gabby to become evil. How forcing people to swear powerful oaths might begin as a seemingly defensive measure but can quickly escalate into an abuse of power. Eragon could have a moment of self realization that he’s not so far separated from Gabby as he likes to think. It would be a powerful moment for him as well as the reader.

Then Eragon goes and has a chat with the kings and Trianna—nice to see her name hasn’t slipped your mind, Chris—and they’re not too happy. For some reason Eragon expected Orrin to be the most “intransigent” and he is. He yells and insults Eragon which makes him a goddamned hero with balls larger than the Disney dome in Florida in my book. He ignores it and goes around to Orik and Trianna. Don’t worry Trianna fans, we don’t get to see or hear her do anything so Chris hasn’t ruined her any further.

Saphira had remained at his tent, and the elves were ringed about her, their arms outstretched and the tips of their fingers touching while they sang. The purpose of their long, complicated spell was to collect the visual information they would need in order to create an accurate representation of Saphira. It was difficult enough to imitate the shape of an elf or a human; a dragon was harder still, especially given the refractive nature of her scales. Even so, the most complicated part of the illusion, as Blödhgarm had told Eragon, would be reproducing the effects of Saphira’s weight on her surroundings every time her apparition took off or landed.

Which brings me to my next point, anachronisms. They don’t always have to be things like pocket watches in the Stone Age, they can also be terms and cultural styles. For example, saying that the elves were trying to get the “visual information” doesn’t fit in a medieval setting nor does refractive. That sounds like something that would be more at home in modern day fiction involving hacking and prisms. It’d be pretty easy to do it right and fit the feel of the setting.

The elves had linked hands in a circle around Saphira and were chanting. Eragon could barely understand what they were saying but he could guess what they were doing. Creating an illusionary twin of the dragon meant they had to commit the sight of her to memory. They better they knew her, the closer her double would resemble her and that meant the longer the Imperials would be fooled.

Then Eragon decides to address the army. Okay, then what was the point of the secrecy? ‘Okay, everyone. I’m going to leave now. If any of you are spies, don’t tell Gabby until I come back.’ He gives a speech to them that he can’t remember and we’re saved from. But Arya and everyone assures him just how eloquent he was. Hurray for Eragon being so perfect.

Then they say their goodbyes which only takes forever. From how long we get treated to everyone’s tearful goodbyes you’d think Eragon was starting an odyssey and they won’t see him again for another ten years.

When Tolkien did it, it made sense in the context of Lord of the Rings. Travel for them was slow and tedious as they had to cover lots of ground on foot. Frodo didn’t see the shire for over a year once he started out. Eragon, however, is going to be flying by dragon at an interminable speed known only as way too fast for a creature that propels itself with wings. Hell, Eragon will probably be back in time for a late supper. Unless Chris has him dick around in the ruins, something Chris is good at.

Eragon now takes the time to stare at Arya and be wowed by her beauty. More goodbyes, blah blah blah. Then the crowd begins to cheer as he gets in Sahpira’s saddle but not for the reason he thinks they are. ‘Is he finally leaving?’ ‘Yes!’ ‘Hurray! Now we might not die at the hands of an incompetent!’

Then the plan is revealed, Eragon is going to do what I would suggest.

Eragon saw Blödhgarm and the other elves gathered in a close-knit group, half hidden behind a nearby pavilion. He nodded to them, and they nodded in return. The plan was simple: He and Saphira would set off as if they intended to patrol the skies and scout the land ahead—as they normally did when the army was on the march—but after circling the camp a few times, Saphira would fly into a cloud, and Eragon would cast a spell that would render her invisible to those watching from below. Then the elves would create the hollow wraiths that would take Eragon and Saphira’s place while they continued on with their journey, and it would be the wraiths that onlookers would see emerge from the cloud.

Well, except for the illusion crap. Oh, and Chris? I’ve never known a solid wraith, have you? How about a semi-solid wraith, met a lot of those in your time have you? Or were you referring to the Terran starfighter that will seemingly appear after Saphira flies into the cloud? Because that would really screw with the Imperials.

Finally Saphira takes off after a lengthy preflight checklist. Eragon then ducks his head against the “speed-induced wind” that comes from flying. Hello, Redundant Bureau of Redundancy? Yes, I think one of your employees has broken his leash and escaped into Montana. Oh, there’s a reward if he’s captured? You’re too kind.

Eragon decides that there’s nothing he can do now but hope his scaly limo can get him there and back before the Varden are attacked. He worries for a few seconds about the little people under him and if he made the right decision to go to Vroengard as the final fight is fast approaching. Yes, chapter by chapter is approaches. I’m still thinking we won’t see Gabby until Eragon does. Of course it’ll be too late to matter but Chris doesn’t care about anything not related to elves/dragons and Eragon.

See, the dragons are bound to the humans and elves in a sort of inter species trinity. This makes it so that dragons hatchlings wait until they find the right person to bond with before being born. That’s what allowed Saphira to stay hidden in her egg for so long until she was given to Eragon. The problem here is that this eliminates wild dragons. They can’t be born until they find the rider that’s just right for them and until then they’re stuck in hibernation.

Unless Saphira’s mom was from before the pact/bond was created but I don’t think a dragon from before would be all too thrilled at being enslaved and might resent having one of her kids taken by the riders Sub Human Social Services. I’d think the dragons of old might resent that a whole lot and would rebel against their new overlords. That would be the kind of thing that the riders would need defenses against.

On a side note, I write all these in Word, starting a new one for each book. I mention this because i just got an error from Office when I typed Saphira’s name in that last paragraph. It told me there are too many spelling and grammar errors to keep highlighting. It’s because i refuse to add either Eragon or Saphira to my dictionary lest I be writing about erstaz sapphires and it tries to correct me. But I laughed because Chris managed to piss my wordprocessor off all the way from Montana.

This chapter is called “questions unanswered”. You mean like, why hasn’t Eragon even mentioned his uncle’s name since the first book? Did Chris forget about him or does Eragon not care? Probably a bit of both.

Eragon searched through Domia abr Wyrda until he found the reference to Kuthian in the twelfth chapter. To his disappointment, all it said was that Kuthian had been one of the first Riders to explore Vroengard Island.

Damn. You mean the medieval wiki doesn’t have a full layout full of maps and list of contents for Vroengard? What kind of half-assed faqs did they have to use back then? Eragon continues to ask questions about the place rather than just going there. It’s always a good idea to be curious and to have as much information as you can get but this is pointless. If there’s anything for Eragon to learn about the place it should happen off screen and then we should be shown when he gets there. Instead we get to sit there while the Moron and the Cat talk about it.

“Do you think that the Vault of Souls contains spirits?” asked Eragon.

Spirits are not the souls of the dead.

That’s true. Spirits come in a bottle and can be served over ice or as a mixed drink. The souls of the dead are boring and only ever seem to talk to people with TV shows. And it must take a lot out of them because they can only make sounds like puh, or tuh or ‘don’t worry about the money’. Solembum doesn’t know any more, again, and decides to leave.

Mister Kitty says he doesn’t think it’s a trap but if it is that means that all werecats everywhere have bene enslaved and they don’t even know it. That’s right Solembum, you’re in the Matrix. Solembum gets up and walks, not striding for once, out of the tent but not before issuing a dire warning about forces in the world that are powerful and blah blah blah. He even lists some examples like men who age backwards—get out of here Benjamin Button! We don’t want any of your saccharine crap!—and stones that speak—Mick Jagger?—among other things. Wow, those sound interesting Chris. Better not show us any of those or you’ll ruin them.

Saphire doesn’t like being a puppet of whoever enchanted the werecats. Eragon agrees but says they basically don’t have any choice. If they don’t do what the author wants then the plot could get moving and that means it’d be closer to ending their boring adventure and no one want to see that happen.

Saphira thinks it’s a brilliant idea because Gabby will be expecting them to head straight for the capital. This way they’ll be getting “longer teeth and sharper claws” to fight Gabby. Which I take to mean Saphira expects to gain more power of a weapon from this place. Curious how she expects this when even the person who told Eragon about it had no idea what was there. Maybe she consulted her racial memory. Or maybe she should and see if there’s something there that can give Eragon some info about Vroengard. Or did Chris forget that he gave Saphira memories of her ancestors?

Eragon wonders if it’s a trap and Saphira says they’ll make whoever set it pay even if it’s Gabby. Wait a sec, I thought Saphira said they needed to be stronger in order to take down the big bad. Now she figures they could make him pay if he was waiting there with a trap? She suddenly has a lot of confidence in their abilities. Then Eragon calls a meeting.

Arya arrived at his tent mere seconds after he contacted her. Her speed puzzled him until she explained that she had been keeping watch with Blödhgarm and the other elves, lest Murtagh and Thorn return. With her there, Eragon reached out with his mind to Glaedr and coaxed him into joining their conversation, though the surly dragon was in no mood to talk.

Did we really need to know why she showed up so soon? Why would she explain herself to Eragon? Did he ask? Because that would make come across like a psychopath. ‘Alright, Eragon. I’m here.’ ‘I see, and just how did you get here so fast?’ ‘I was nearby.’ ‘Nearby spying on me?!’ ‘For the hundredth time, no. No one wants to spy on you. If anything, we want you to stop spying on all the female elves when they’re bathing.’ ‘I only do it because you never know what they could be hiding in all those curves of theirs.’

Eragon tells them all about the “rock of kuthian” and no one else has heard of it. Then Saphira and Eragon do the back and forth talking for each other bit that was stupid the first time it showed up last book and has aged like a hobo’s sweat sock. Glaedr asks where they’re going and Eragon gets pissy because someone dares question him. Arya says that the place sounds familiar.

Arya’s expression grew increasingly troubled. “The Rock of Kuthian … The name seems weighted with significance, but I cannot say why; it echoes in my mind, like a song I once knew but have since forgotten.” She shook her head and put her hands to her temples. “Ah, now it is gone.…” She looked up. “Forgive me, what were we speaking of?”

We were talking about how your author has a bad habit of trying to reinforce ideas in his reader’s mind by flat out telling them. ‘That name seems weighted with significance. Almost artificially so.’ Why don’t you just put a foot note at the bottom of the page that says, ‘Vroengard: This is an awesome place where dragons used to live. You think it’s really cool.’ That’s lazy, even for you Chris.

Arya and Glaedr ask why Eragon is going. Because they have to offer token resistance. Arya says Eragon is needed there because he’s the leader of the Varden but you can tell she’d rather let the show run smoothly without his bumbling. Then Glaedr says that there’s nothing in Vroengard. Oromis and him went back but found the ruins picked clean by the forsworn. Kept that last part in mind because I’m sure it’ll be contradicted.

Then Arya starts claiming Eragon is just trying to leave the Varden because he’s nervous about being in charge. Eragon decides that she must have forgotten and that there’s some magic that makes people forget. But, once again, Eragon is the exception to the rule. Eragon then marvels at the plot convenient magic so powerful that everyone but him can remember Vroengard. He figures that it must have been done instinctually because it would have been too hard to put into words. I’d say it smacks of the author trying to excuse the capital of dragon riders he just crapped into the book.

Eragon wonders if it was the dragons doing it at the same time as when they erased all those dragon names. I still don’t get why they didn’t erase Shruikan’s name too. My theory is that Chris didn’t want to have to invent any more names for the bad guys than he already did. Morzan only got a name because he killed Brom, otherwise he’d be called ‘Murtaght’s father’ every time he’s mentioned. Eragon says he has to find out who is messing with everyone’s head and if it’s Gabby then they’re screwed.

Eragon ran his fingers through his hair. He suddenly felt exceptionally tired. Why does everything have
to be so hard? he wondered.

Ah gee, is life being hard for you, Eragon? Everyone pity the poor main character who has nothing going his way. Except for the dragon, sword, magic and the army under his command. If you take all that away, Eragon is up against impossible odds.

Eragon asks everyone if the trust him, of course they do, and tells them again about Vroengard. They all act like he’s crazy but not in the way we know him to be. They act like flying to a place that exists is like trying to capture a rainbow with a severed ear. ‘Okay, Eragon. You’re going to fly, yes. We’re all going to fly. Just stay here until the nice people with needles come and help you take that trip.’ Then he calls Solembum in to explain it to them.

They waited in silence, Eragon staring down at his hands as he compiled a list of supplies he would need for the trip to Vroengard.

That’s going to be a long list. Food and clothes. I’m not sure you can remember all that, Eragon. You’d better tattoo those words into your skin. Or maybe you should get an adult to list out all the things you need to take along, else you’ll forget about bringing your sword or something.

Solembum confirms that he did probably tell Eragon about Vroengard though he can’t remember. There’s a scene where Glaedr mentally assaults Solembum to make certain he really is the cat then they banter and Solembum leaves. Then Glaedr wants to look at Eragon’s memories of that reveal which he does and promptly forgets.

Glaedr declares he will go and Arya wants to but Eragon tells her to stay put. She laments how she wanted to see Vroengard and Eragon says someday. Wait, how can she have wanted to see something she can’t remember? Then Eragon calls in Garven as the closer for the chapter. You know things are about to get serious when Garven steps into the scene.

Ostensibly, Gabby’s goal is to remake the dragon riders. Ok, fine, we’ll pretend that’s true. What does Gabby want them for anyway? Why doesn’t he leave the capital to subjugate Eragon and Saphira right away? Why didn’t he do it months ago when Eragon was human and far more vulnerable? It seems to me it’d be easier to recreate the dragon riders by taking him in right away, no matter how much you don’t like the idea of leaving the house.

The only thing I can come up with is that Gabs is doing something with magic that requires him to stay put. And if that’s true, then Gabby didn’t need to be in charge of anything. He could have just retreated to a remote location and gotten to work. If that’s not the case, and all Gabs really wants is a new set of riders then there’s no reason he shouldn’t be out and about trying to make it all happen.

This chapter is called “fragments half seen and indistinct”. What an apt metaphor for this entire series. It’s like there are bits of interesting story buried under the elephantine mound of crap. And it didn’t have to be this way. Anyone want to bet that Chris’s parents were the kind that failed to criticize him?

Over a quarter of an hour passed before the flap to Eragon’s tent stirred and Solembum pushed his way inside, his padded feet nearly silent upon the ground.

You know, Chris. I’ve been over this before but it’s a point I really want to nail home. Giving us exact times do not make things exciting. You don’t see Michael Bay movies coming with itineraries explaining what the characters did in between scenes. There’s not a running counter at the bottom of the screen in the Bourne movies. And it’s not because either of those are impossible, it’s because it’d be boring as hell.

Solmbum comes in, plops down on a nearby blanket and starts licking his paw. Am I the only person who thinks it’s creepy watching a person in cat form licking themselves? Try picturing Solembum as a human, curled up on the floor and licking his hand while he talks to you. Yeah, that has sexual predator written all over it.

Solembum tells Eragon that he’s not a dog to come when he’s called. Remember, cats are independent. That’s why Solembum is rarely ever seen outside of Angela’s company. Eragon says he never thought that but he needs help. And Chris ensures that the vibe remains notched all the way at creepy.

Mmh. The rasping of Solembum’s tongue grew louder as he concentrated on the leathery palm of his foot.

Alright, I may have been wrong. Maybe Chris refers to dragon’s legs as paws because he doesn’t know the words for anatomy. Here’s another pro tip for you Chris, cats, being mammals, have paws. Solembum asks what Eragon wants and Eragon stops the conversation to light a lantern after saying he has to do it. Have I now stumbled upon a stream of Paolini consciousness? It seems I have.

Eragon then remarks that Solembum’s eyes were a different color and Mister Kitty changes them from blue to gold. Are we supposed to be impressed, Chris? Eragon finally gets to the point and asks if he remembers mentioning the vault. Solembum says yes but he doesn’t know what Eragon will find inside. Hopefully four plucky teenagers and an almost talking dog who’ll rip his head off and reveal him to be old man Jenkins.

Eragon grabs Solembums paw and asks how. He gets offended and tries to scare Eragon off by sticking his claws into him but Eragon just grips tighter. Eragon says no more games and Solembum says he really doesn’t know where it is, what’s inside or how to open it. Eragon makes him repeat it in the “ancient language” which is jointly referred to as the “tongue of the elves” now. Eragon wants to know who told him about it and Solembum and the explanation is so silly you have to read it.

Soon after the fall of the Riders, a certain conviction came upon the members of our race that, should we encounter a new Rider, one who was not beholden to Galbatorix, we should tell him or her what I told you: of the Menoa tree and of the Rock of Kuthian.

Eragon asks if maybe ol Gabs didn’t plant the idea in their heads. Solembum says they’re not so easily fooled which should mean that’s exactly what happened. But, Chris being his usual self, won’t allow the hero’s to be tricked or forced to use their wits. Did they try to find out who told them? Yes but they failed. How mysterious.

Solembum can’t believe their memory was altered or anything and Eragon asks why they were told. Solembum says it’s because they’ve always been an ally with the riders and they’re the wathers, the listeners and a bunch of titles that were made up the moment Chris wrote this part. Speaking of which, have you ever noticed that really impotent atristocrats always have titles that need to be trucked in wherever they go, Chris? Don’t worry, my mentioning it has nothing to do with what’s going on in the book.

So then Solembum says he might be able to show Eragon the way. Also, that he should probably take that book along. That is, the one that Jeod gave to him who know how long go at this point and I’d forgotten all about.

Eragon’s reaction to all this? To complain. He complains that Solembum didn’t mention that or the book or anything. Damn it, supporting characters, why aren’t you taking Eragon by the hand and leading him around like a child? Eragon wants more info and starts threatening Solembum by telling him that they’ll lose if he doesn’t know more.

Solembum insists that he doesn’t know and then he goes all glassy eyed. And he mentions the chapter and page number before going back to normal. Oh, and Solembum doesn’t remember telling Eragon anything about a chapter or page.

Eragon opens his book up and reads about some island that dragons used to like to hunt. Apparently the dragons liked the taste of animals that couldn’t be found anywhere else. Nice to see that they were a contributing factor in ensuring some other animal’s extinction. Then he gets to a part about a dragon rider city.

Doru Araeba! The only city in history designed to house dragons as well as elves and humans.

Hmm, interesting. Sounds like it was the headquarters of the riders and like it was pretty important. Also, being on a an island could provide a lot of tactical advantages. One, why didn’t this get mentioned before, being such an amazing and mystical place? Two, why didn’t Gabby make that his capital as he’s the only one that could get there and leave easily? Because Chris didn’t think it up until just now. Though Chris doesn’t hesitate to spew info all over us like it’s our fault he’s pulling this city out of his ass.

Upon the peaks surrounding the city, the Riders placed watch towers and eyries—to guard gainst attack—and more than one dragon and Rider had a well-appointed cave high in the mountains, where they lived apart from the rest of their order. The older, larger dragons were especially partial to this arrangement, as they often preferred solitude, and living above the floor of the cauldron made it easier for them to take flight.

First question, who were the riders afraid of, Chris? You said they were guarding against attack, from whom did they expect a formidable attack from? Hmm, could it have been because they were a bunch of power hungry tyrants who ruled by their perceived divine right and fear a rebellion? Naw, they were the very image of truth, justice and exclusive rights for anyone who wasn’t a dwarf.

Eragon stops and complains that the answer isn’t just leaping out at him and smashing his nose in with a cinder block. Solembum suggests that, just maybe, the information is a little further in. Eragon keeps reading and gets a part that mentions some spire called Vroengard which is also know as the “rock of kuthian”. Then Eragon stops, agog and can’t believe his luck.

A sense of awe and fear came over Eragon. Some person or some thing had arranged for him to learn this particular piece of information, the same person or thing that had made it possible for him to find the brightsteel for his sword. The thought was intimidating, and now that Eragon knew where to go, he was no longer quite so sure that he wanted to.

Yes, some one or some thing—it’s called a Paolini—wanted you to find this info. Eragon wonders, again, what he’ll find there but doesn’t want to speculate. Fine, then I will. I’m betting that it’ll be the place where a lot of eldunari are laid to rest and then Eragon will have everything he needs to crush Gabs.

With that said, there is a point where it stops being something that can be ignored. I’d say that Chris has not only crossed that line but is sprinting towards the border of nonsense. To be fair, because I do try, Chris does have his characters tell each other what they were up to. And a lot of the times we get to sit there while they explain it to their audience. But while Chris focuses on making sure Roran is up to date with Eragon’s Facebook page, he ignores the people in the background entirely.

Case in point, as I mentioned last time, Eragon’s transformation. Eragon disappears into the woods and no one aside from Arya and Orrik are present during any of his training. Saphira doesn’t count because she can’t talk. When “Eragon” returns, everyone looks at him, comments on how different he looks but they’re perfectly fine with it, that is to say the few who saw him.

When Eragon was eavesdropping on those people from his hometown, they mentioned how he looks clean shaven every day but aren’t bothered by his new look. Why? Because they know Eragon changed. They didn’t have to be told that because we know that. They don’t mistakenly think that his lack of facial hair is because of the change, we know otherwise and so do they. But they weren’t there and Eragon didn’t go around explaining that he was himself though he looked completely different.

But separating author/reader knowledge from his characters would be complicated and doesn’t serve Chris’s plot in the slightest. The only time they’re not allowed to know, is when Chris doesn’t want them to know like with the dragon spear. He doesn’t want Gabby to know the Varden have it, so he doesn’t.

This chapter is called “maze without end”. Are you talking about the plot to this book or the space in your head, Chris?

We begin with Chris telling us how they spent the rest of the “conclave” discussing things like posting more guards and replacing equipment. You know, the mundane crap we’re not really interested in. It’s okay, Chris, we don’t need you to write fictional facebook posts or tweets for Eragon and then publish it at us. ‘OMG! Orrik sounds just like Willow!!1!’ ‘Ugh. Still talking about Nasuada. More like Nasua-duh!’

They decide to hold off mentioning the kidnapping until the morning so the soldiers can get some sleep. Gee, that’s so nice of them. Though I’d imagine what with the attack and the clashing of swords and the screams of the dying someone probably called out the alarm and woke everybody up. Unless Bob was napping at his post and couldn’t be woken by something so trivial as a battle in the camp.

And yet, the one thing they never discussed was whether they should try to rescue Nasuada. It was obvious that the only way to free her would be to seize Urû’baen, and by then she would probably be dead, injured, or bound to Galbatorix in the ancient language. So they avoided the subject entirely, as if to mention it was forbidden.

Why is it obvious that she’ll be in the capital? Why wouldn’t he put her somewhere else to try and tempt the Varden off course and lead them into a trap? And why will she be sworn to Gabby anyway? Wouldn’t that require her to speak the word sof her own volition? I mean, Nasuada is supposed to be a strong character. She cut her arm open just to prove that point. I don’t think Gabby is going to twist her arm hard enough to get her to swear.

Then Jörmundur—does that umlaut get pronounced Chris or is it there for decoration like in Alagaësia?—tells Eragon to watch out or they’ll wrest power from him. Though what that’ll accomplish is beyond me. They all want Gabby deposed and dead and they all agree that they need to keep marching on. In fact, it would be better if Eragon wasn’t in charge because then we wouldn’t have to watch Eragon act in what Chris believes to be a leader like fashion. Plus thousands of people might not die at the hands of an inexperienced idiot.

Saphira tells Eragon that no one will get the better of him while she watches. Yes, she can eat them and we all know that’s the most diplomatic solution. Then Roran catches up so he can weigh in on the situation. Eragon asks him if Roran really meant the part last chapter about being a battle between the gods. Roran immediately falls to his knees and begins licking Eragon’s boots.

Roran stared at him. “I did.… You and Murtagh and Galbatorix—you’re too powerful for any normal person to defeat. It’s not right. It’s not fair. But so it is. The rest of us are like ants under your boots. Have you any idea how many men you’ve killed single-handedly?”

Hey, Roran, I think you missed a spot right there. Good, keep licking until you can see your face and then polish it to a mirror shine. The more I hear about how powerful Gabby and the elves and dragon riders are, the more I want them to be felled by a regular person with no magic.

Eragon’s reply to Roran’s question is a pithy “too many”. Roran says exactly but wishes they didn’t have to count on elves or riders to win the war. You know that can’t happen, Roran. Otherwise Chris’s author avatar can’t swoop down and become the savior of the land. Roran also says that all these demi-gods battling it out kind of unbalances the world. And I think that’s possibly the largest lampshade I’ve ever seen hung.

Then Roran strode out of the tent.

Gaghg! Stop it, stop it, stop it! Strode is not a suitable replacement for walk! It just sounds goofy and you’re never going to make it fit. When I burn you at the stake, the kindling will be all your thesauruses torn apart and laid at your feet.

Then Eragon leaves the tent and the “nighthawks”, Nasuada’s former bodyguards, jump to their feet and follow him. Though after how badly they failed to even hinder Murtagh, I wouldn’t keep them around. Eragon says he doesn’t have a choice and marches over to Saphira and curls up with her and Chris gives us some awkward details.

At any other time, her presence would have been enough to calm him, but not now. His mind refused to slow, his pulse continued to hammer, and his hands and feet were uncomfortably hot.

Oh, so his hands aren’t just hot but uncomfortably hot? Good to know, otherwise someone would have to lay it out for me. It’s like when that paramedic told me that burns were uncomfortable. I knew that skin got damaged by fire but I didn’t know it wasn’t pleasant. And here I thought igniting Chris was keeping him warm. Who knew?

Now it’s time for Eragon to marvel at how awesome and lucky he is. Yup, it’s great to be him. Then he wonders why Nasuada picked him to be her successor. Because if anyone disagrees with you, you can feed them to your flying trash compactor. That or she figured the best person to be in charge is a narcissistic, over privileged jerk with more power than brains.

Eragon is so upset at being put in charge that he has to meditate and we get to watch. Blah blah blah, Eragon has some of his “waking dreams” as he drift off into his not sleep. And then suddenly he’s actually dreaming and I get the feeling that he’s about to experience one of those prophetic dreams which is a staple of hack writers everywhere. Yup, he sees a battle and the flashing of scales and the scream of some guy and then he comes out of it. Let’s just ad clairvoyance to the growing list of powers at Eragon’s disposal.

Eragon then gets up and says hello to Garven who’s back to working as captain. Apparently, after the elves fried his mind, he got mostly better and they put him in a command position again. I think Chris only used him because he didn’t want to have to come up with a new name. He tells Eragon that the nighthawks are a bit short staffed at the moment and laments that they failed Nasuada.

Eragon says it’s his fault and for once him and I are in complete agreement. And that means it’s time for Eragon to angst about it. Oh, woe is Eragon and his boundless power. He’s pretending to be shocked at being put in charge by repeating “I’m in charge of the Varden” over and over. Alas, this was entirely unexpected, what with Nasuada naming him second and all. Then he tries to pretend that he cares about Nasuada at all.

Only now that she was gone did Eragon realize that Nasuada had become more than just his liegelord and commander; she had become his friend, and he felt the same urge to protect her that he often felt with Arya. If he tried, however, he could end up costing the Varden the war.

See, not only does he care about people but it’s okay if he ignores Nasuada. If he tries to protect her, he could cost them the war. Which I don’t believe could possibly happen even if Eragon were as incompetent within canon as his author. That’s because Gabs isn’t showing the slightest inclination in defending his territory. He’s basically just throwing up a few hurdles to keep the Varden occupied while he cultivates his latest entry into Alagaёsia’s houseplant competition—this year he’s entering a tulip that sings “Sitting on the Dock of the Bay” and maybe once, just once he’ll beat Mendel—and keeping his head down.

Eragon then starts complaining about how hopeless it is and how there’s no way he can succeed. Which must mean that the latest gift from the author is waiting just around the corner. Despair, woe, angst. That sums up the tail of this chapter. At least until Chris decides that it’s time to redeem his plot coupon—not valid with any other offers, only valid at participating Chris Paolini franchises cash value 1/20^th of a cent.

Which means that Eragon is off to the “vault of souls”. So Eragon pages out Solembum—Mister Kitty to the white courtesy phone, there’s a call from Eragon on hold—and waits. I’m starting to think that Chris reread his first book for additional “inspiration” and that’s why we’re going to see a payout on the vault.

Chris, having just spent his one action scene for the day, has to load us down with boring detail. Eragon lands and puts Arya on the ground because everyone knows the dirt is the best place for the wounded. She asks where Thorn is and Eragon says gone and then she asks if they saved Nasuada and Eragon can only shake his head..

Sorrow passed over Arya’s face. She coughed and winced, then started to sit up. A thread of blood trickled from the corner of her mouth.

Ah, yes. The trickle of blood from the mouth. I’m not going to pick on Chris too much for using it. That’s one of those things that a lot of writers use and it really needs to stop because it’s something copied from movies. Movies use it because they can hint at serious injuries without showing graphic wounds which would earn them a higher rating. Not all injuries result in people spitting up blood. In fact, people can suffer all sorts of trauma without leaking blood from their mouth. So please, at least think about the kind of beating your characters take before writing about the trickle of blood from the mouth.

Eragon says he’ll get help, Arya says her magic cushioned the blow, Eragon doubts it but doesn’t argue. Then Saphira asks what now? Well now we’re going to spend a whole chapter dicking around. Ergon kills some zombies, some elves come over and heal Saphira. Eragon says he would have preferred to do it himself but with the same sarcasm of people who wait for you to do the dishes before feigning disappointment. ‘Oh, well if you’re going to get it…’

Eragon wanders over to Nasuada’s tent where there are four Imperial mages just sort of hanging out. One is dead and two are still fighting elves while one is just sitting there. He decides that he should screw with them because they had the ill fortune of being born human and not finding a dragon egg.

The remaining magician was kneeling on the ground, his brow pressed against his knees and his arms wrapped around the nape of his neck. Instead of adding his thoughts to the invisible fray, Eragon strode over to the magician, tapped him on the shoulder, and shouted, “Ha!”

Again with the strode. That word has been showing up more and more though this is only the second time I’ve remarked on it. Stop it, Chris. And why not just kill him in cold blood like you’re wont to do, Eragon? Or do you prefer to play with your kills before draining them of life?

The man shivers, rolls his eyes and then dies as the elf fighting him gets into his head. Eragon watches this all and is completely bored by it. Sorry, dude. Eragon might have stepped in and save your life if you were an elf. Why do they have to kill the magicians, again? Is there no way to take them prisoner or are they simply condemned because they have round ears?

Now Eragon feels depressed and he goes on and on about feeling like a failure. You are, Eragon, it’s just that you haven’t been allowed to feel it. Glaedr rubs it in by telling him that it wouldn’t have happened if they’d listened to him. Eragon retorts that killing Thorn wasn’t the only solution and he shouldn’t be so quick to want another dragon dead. This pisses Glaedr off.

Do not think to lecture me, youngling!snapped Glaedr. You cannot begin to understand what I have lost.

See, now would be a good time to reveal that Eragon has some mixed feelings about killing Murtagh. Maybe he still thinks of him as his friend or maybe he’s not sure if he wants to kill the last of his immediate family. Real people would probably have those kinds of doubts and weaknesses and adding it to a character would make them more relatable. Why it would give us insight into their mind and start fleshing them out.

Instead, Eragon snaps back at Glaedr and they stop talking. Yeah, that’s much better than my idea, Chris. Then Roran shows up and pretends to be extremely concerned about Eragon and vice versa.

Relief swept through Eragon as he saw his cousin alive and well.

Relief? From what? Not once in the entire battle did Eragon feel any concern for Roran. His cousin didn’t cross his mind in the slightest. The only person Eragon was worried about was Arya and maybe Nasuada. The only reason I’m relieved that Roran’s alive is because I can’t stand reading through Chris’s boring funerals.

Roran wants to know what’s going on and Eragon takes him to the side and tells him about Nasuada but says he can’t tell anyone. I think everyone might already know. Thorn did land in the middle of the camp and start killing people while Imperials attacked right next to Nasuada’s tent. Between all that and her bodyguards I’m sure everyone’s already figured it out.

Eragon ignores that and tell Roran to stay close because he might need him. Roran asks why and Eragon says that the army all respect him, because the author made them, and he might be needed to keep them from deserting. They keep looking for soldiers and, being as this is the Varden camp and the Imperials are dead they don’t find any. Then a runner, as opposed to a creeper, gives Eragon a message to meet in Orik’s tent.

“There is no choice,” said Jörmundur. “Nasuada made her wishes perfectly clear. You, Eragon, must take her place and lead the Varden in her stead.”

Oh darn, now Eragon is king of everything. I can just picture Eragon now, trying to act coy while dancing inside. ‘Yes! Uh, I mean I can’t believe it.’ Must hide joy. Must hide joy. ‘This was the last thing I could have wanted.’ Okay, so far so good. Just gotta stop grinning. Now it’s time for the big lie. ‘Nasuada was such a great leader and completely irreplaceable. I’ll do my best until she returns. Unless Thorn “accidentally” kills her. Wait, did I say that out loud?’

“I never wanted this,” said Eragon, staring down at the map of Alagaësia stretched out on the table in the center of the pavilion.

“None of us did,” said King Orrin in a biting tone.

Nice false modesty there, Eragon. And an unexpected burn from king Orrin, good show. And it follows exactly as I predicted. Eragon repeats how he didn’t want this and how he’ll try to live up to Nasuada’s example. Orrin asks if Eragon would continue to consult with them just like Nasuada did. Eragon says yes while making sure his fingers are crossed.

Then we get blindsided by sudden racism. Orrin begins complaining that they can’t be sure Eragon won’t be showing any favoritism to one race or another. This would be a valid concern if he was talking about the elves but he seems to be worried about the dwarves because Eragon is “foster brothers” with Orrik who’s the dwarf king, lest we forget. Orrin wants Eragon to think about everyone not just one race.

Let’s back that the hell up, Chris. Orrin knows that Eragon was in training with the elves and Eragon actually spent a sizable, within the book’s timeline, time with the elves. He received numerous gifts including jewelry and a magic sword, a set of bodyguards and the  queen treats him with deference. Combined with the fact he came back looking like an elf, what would a regular human start wondering?

Might they start asking if the elves did something to him? Maybe they’d start to worry that the elves replaced Eragon with someone else. After all, they can alter their appearance however they want. Maybe they couldn’t quite mimic him so they came up with an excuse why one of their people looks kind of but not quite Eragon. And even if they didn’t why did the elves change him? What are they planning?

Eragon gets huffy saying yeah, yeah he’ll do whatever is in everyone’s interest so please stop bothering him. His concern is Gabby and the empire and everything is directed at taking them out. So stop bothering him and only question his judgment but never his motives. Then

“Enough of this nonsense!” exclaimed Orik, glowering. “You worry about a crack in the floor while the whole mountain is about to come down upon us!”

Yeah, stop questioning the man/elf/thing who stands before you. Just elect him grand master of the Varden already and don’t concern yourselves with the details. Nasuada’s been gone for less than a day and everyone’s just accepting Eragon. Orrin is the only dissenting voice and we know he’s going to lose or buckle. The best royal successions don’t move this smoothly let alone in a semi democratic organization.

Everyone agrees that they should just keep heading to the capital as fast as they can go. You mean instead of stopping every couple of miles to siege some strategically meaningless city? Why change your plans now just when they’re getting stupid?

Orrin raises a few more points as to why Eragon sucks. Namely that the dauthdaert didn’t help him stop Thorn and he can’t beat his own brother at being a dragon rider in spite of being one longer. He says they entered the war under the belief Eragon would win then Eragon says it’s the only chance they have. Orrin replies by saying they don’t have a chance because they’ve all been dancing like puppets at Gabby’s whim.

Really, Chris? Are you really going to try and make Gabby out to be a puppet master villain? Because it doesn’t work at all. To even try and convince us of that one, you have to show us a lot more of the villain than you have. At the bare minimum we need to know or get a sense of his ultimate plan. You’re far better off just pretending he’s evil just because and making him into a caricature at this point.

Orrin starts lamenting that now Gabby is going to know about the dragon lance and Eragon counters by saying they won’t know what it is but then Orrin says Gabby will when he examines their memories. Then Grimy mentions the spear by name and says it has an infamous history, though not infamous enough to have heard anything about it until just now. Eragon makes them all swear an oath in the “ancient language” that they can’t talk about the spear without permission. Eragon then says that Gabby isn’t invincible and there are spells that can kill him if only they can come up with them. Then Roran asks to speak.

“It is this: too much blood and too many tears have been shed for us to turn back now. It would be disrespectful, both to the dead and to those who remember the dead. This may be a battle between gods”—he appeared perfectly serious to Eragon as he said this—“but I for one will keep fighting until the gods strike me down, or until I strike them down. A dragon might kill ten thousand wolves one at a time, but ten thousand wolves together can kill a dragon.”

Saphira laughs at this notion and suddenly I want to see her gutted. But I do love Roran’s attitude. ‘Sure the odds suck but we’ve killed too many people to turn back now. So to hell with it, let’s do this thing.’ And I like how Roran casually mentions the “gods” but we’ve still never heard them mentioned by name except for the dwarves. Funny how that works.

Everyone agrees that they’ll just keep on doing what they doing because the author will drop another blessing or two from the sky. Then Orrik starts quaffing, because drinking is for pansies, and restates that they’re heading for the capital. Hurray for filler.

Eragon runs out of his tent with Arya but not before grabbing Brisingr. Which was an important detail Chris wouldn’t want to omit. I didn’t know he took his sword off but not knowing that he was carrying it around like comfort blanket as is usual, I might have thought he was vulnerable. Eragon stumbles around though, incapacitated by all the drinking.

Balance is gone, thought Eragon. Can’t trust my vision. Have to clear my mind. Have to—

‘Have…to, narrate…like……Shatner. Must….act like a total ham and, insert…random pauses.’ Saphira then flies overhead and she’s also confused. Then Thorn appears in a burst of wind all red and sparkliness, but in an evil way because he’s red, and lands in front of Nasuada’s tent. Maybe he’s just stopping by to thank her for the rousing battle earlier and to apologize for leaving all those corpses behind when they fled.

Eragon heard Nasuada’s guards shouting; then Thorn swung his right forepaw across the ground, and half the shouts went silent.

Look, Chris, we’ve been over this. Unless they’re relatives of Falcor’s, Saphira and him don’t have paws. I know you don’t want to say claw but why mention it at all? You could simply say that Thorn slashed at the guards and killed them. It seems like it’d be simple and to the point, something you might want if this book is intended for the “young adult” audience. Oh, and now Thorn has some “rigging” attached to Thorn’s side which is carrying Imperials.

This leads to an awkward fight scene involving, Imperials, Varden, Eragon and Arya, a couple of elves and the dragons. Saphira slaps the ground with her tail which knock some “soldiers”—presumably Imperial—down but Eragon grabs Arya for support. The elves stand in front of Eragon and then Angela jumps out of her tent wielding…let me just show you.

The herbalist was wearing a red nightgown, her curly hair was in disarray, and in each hand she wielded a wool comb. The combs were three feet long and had two rows of steel tines mounted at an angle on the ends. The tines were longer than Eragon’s forearm and were sharpened to needle-like points—he knew that if you pricked yourself, you could catch blood poisoning from the unwashed wool they had been drawn through.

There’s just so much wrong with that. One, where did she get dirty wool combs from? Was there a sheep in her tent? Is Angela into something we’re better off not knowing? Secondly, why would she wield those when she has her magic sword? Third, how does Eragon know that you could catch blood poisoning from dirty wool combs? They don’t have germ theory in Alagaёsia yet unless Pasteur is going to make a sudden appearance.

And of course Chris has to tell us that, contrary to looking silly, Angela looks ferocious. No, Chris, she looks like a moron. A bunch of “soldiers” surround her and Eragon’s worried she’ll be overtaken. Then about forty werecats show up and tear into them.

Saphira tells Eragon to get on her back but before he does, Arya cast the hangover cure so he doesn’t have to fight impaired. And that flushing you hear is the tension going down with the turd that is this book. Watching Eragon struggle to fight, let alone fight well, while intoxicated would have proved a challenge. It would have been interesting to see Eragon struggling with his own body as well as his opponent. But that might be interesting and it’s far better to watch Eragon carve through bad guys like rice paper.

Let’s see, Glaedr messages everyone and wants to order them around, Arya runs off to get the dauthdaert amd Glaedr is filled with rage. Then the dragons get back to fighting, with their “paws” again, and Eragon notices Murtagh isn’t anywhere to be seen. He doesn’t worry about this as he’s tossed around by the fight. Luckily he has a good grip on one of Saphira’s spike. Did I mention that Saphira isn’t wearing a saddle?

So, let me picture this, Chris. Saphira’s regular scales can rub people bloody through pants. I presume this to mean that the spike on her back are a bit harder and I’d also be willing to bet that they go all the way from her head to tail, right Chris? Which means that Eragon is sitting with an unprotected crotch on top of spikes. Maybe he’s still a little drunk and doesn’t notice. On the upside, maybe Saphira will end of giving Eragon an impromptu vasectomy.

Eragon falls off but stops himself with magic while Saphira and Thorn continue fighting. Arya comes back with the dragon lance and Orik and they rush to help Saphira. The narrator then decides now is a good a time as any to talk about what every one else is up to. The elves are killing Imperial magicians and there are a bunch of zombies still running around. Werecats are chasing soldiers, some of them have catnip in their pockets, and Angela is taking on a Imperial who dual wields a mace and flail. Oh, and Elva’s there making soldiers do stuff like run away or stab themselves. There, I saved everyone a few more lifeless paragraphs.

Eragon wants to use Elva against Thorn. Supposedly Elva’s words are magic and she could make anyone, even Gabby, do whatever she wanted. Or at least run away, Chris hasn’t been clear on that point. They decide to just run after Thorn and plant a shiv in his back to help Saphira but then they see Murtagh.

Before they reached her, Eragon heard a muffled scream. He turned and, to his horror, saw Murtagh striding out of the pavilion, dragging Nasuada by her wrists.

Nasuada is struggling in true useless princess fashion so Murtagh knocks her out. Why he didn’t do that while in the tent is beyond me. Then Thorn comes over and picks Murtagh and Nasuada up before flying off. Saphira catches up and starts to chase him but Eragon doesn’t think she has the strength to stop him. Luckily Arya gets involved, elves can fix anything, and she jumps and grabs Thorns tail. Eragon then joins her by using a spell that lunches him like a missile directly at Thorn.

Arya climbs up Thorn using his spikes and stabbing him with the spear as she goes. Then he decides to dive head first at the ground and spin. The dragon spear comes out and Arya only manages to hold on by her weak hand. She let’s go and then floats to a stop while Thorn tries to attack her. He breathes fire and then smacks her with his tail as he turns around.

With Arya falling, Eragon makes the obvious choice between saving the human and the elf. He dives after her but Saphira catches her first so Eraogn casts feather fall and floats to the ground. Now he’s about to cry because Arya is injured—maybe dead!—and Nasuada’s been taken too.

How could they continue now? How could they possibly hope for victory without Nasuada to lead them?

I like to imagine that being read with sarcasm so thick you’d need a chainsaw to cut it. And holy crap, the villains actually did something villainous for once! Sure it’s the old, take a woman hostage that he already did before with Arya but it’s an honest start. I’m sure if we gave Chris a hundred years he might be able to write a villain stealing a bank vault or mugging an old lady.

Eragon strode through the darkened camp, his jaw set and his fists clenched.

Strode? I know that it’s a word and it’s technically correct but it sounds clunky as all get out. There are probably better words that would go there like walked or marched. There are also probably worse words to use like sashayed or waltzed. Being as Eragon is supposed to be frustrated I would have used stomped or tromped.

It’s like Chris has a retard quotient he has to fill. He can pick a chapter name that’s not completely irritating but then he has to make it up with poor word choices and awkward scenes. At times, I seriously wonder if this isn’t a project ghost written by a talented fantasy author who’s simply testing the limits of what fans will defend.

Apparently the Varden leaders sat around discussing business. Whoa, Chris, this is a fantasy but even those have limits. I don’t have a problem with seeing the working details of your universe but they’d better damn well be relevant. Then Eragon had to go and tell the elf queen that Wyrden was dead.

Eragon had not enjoyed explaining to the queen how one of her oldest and most powerful spellcasters had died, nor had the queen been pleased to receive the news. Her initial reaction had been one of such sadness, it surprised him; he had not thought she knew Wyrden that well.

Huh, that’s more news to me. I would have enjoyed telling her that Wryden was dead. I probably would have renacted his death and embellished a little, maybe screaming a bit more and cursing Eragon for failing. And how is Eragon shocked by the queen’s sadness? It’s not like he knows her or the elven court that well so why would he start guessing as to how well they know each other?

And that paragraph is a prime example of one of my chief complaints. That the whole series is done in imitation of a human being. We’re told that the queen was sad but it would have been better to show. Instead we’re told that she felt sad and Eragon felt surprise. That’s because the robot penning these books is aware of emotions and understands the situations they belong but thinks that, for the sake of efficiency, it’s best to mention them in passing lest the audience get distracted from the “action”.

And of course, being as Eragon is a sociopath, he’s frustrated from his talk with the elf queen. No mention on how she’s doing or maybe Wyrden’s family at the news of his death. Damn you stupid elf for dying! You inconvenienced the protagonist! Luckily Saphira is staying close, mentally, in case Eragon needs her. I wonder if Wyrden’s sister, a completely fictional character I made up and will call Jessie, will get the same courtesy? What about Wyrden’s children who, though four hundred years old, will cry inconsolably at his funeral? Oh crap, does this mean we’ll have to suffer through an elven funeral? Please, Chris, don’t make us do that.

Eragon is walking through shadows trying to preserve his night vision by avoiding looking at torches but he doesn’t fail to inspect the “pools of light”. I’m not sure how you can preserve your night vision while looking at light even indirectly. He’s looking for someone and won’t tell us who until he gets there.

It turns out he was looking for Elva and she knows what he’s going to say but Eragon will say it anyway. In short, he blames her for Wyrden’s death because she could have prevented it by coming along. Don’t play that game, Eragon. If you want to dig into it, it’s your fault. If you weren’t such an idiot, you would have assaulted Gabby rather than marched as slowly as possibly into the heart of the empire. And what’s with the obsession with the elf?

‘It’s your fault that Wyrden died, Elva!’ ‘Huh. Just the elf?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Not the humans who died in the assault on the city?’ ‘Pfft! Who cares about them? People who can’t use magic are really no better than cattle. Letting them serve me in death at least gives their sad little lives meaning.’ ‘I figured that’s how you saw it. Continue your whiny tirade.’

Eragon then brow beats her, saying that there will come a day of reckoning and she doesn’t want that, does she? Then she’d better straighten up and fly right and join the lockstep of the Eragon fanclub, I mean Varden, and do as he says or else he’ll kill her. Ok, he doesn’t threaten to kill her but he does tell her to join the Varden because otherwise they won’t stand a chance.

This makes her cry and she decides to help out, Eragon says he takes no pleasure from her distress but does feel satisfaction. Uh, Chris? Do you not own a dictionary? Because satisfaction is synonymous with pleasure. So, yes Eragon does take pleasure in her distress. I’d bet Eragon’s the kind of guy who loves to watch people weep, especially in fear of him.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

He released the yarn and stood. “Your apologies cannot bring back Wyrden. Do better in the future, and perhaps you can atone for your mistake.”

What? Eragon, do you realize she’s her own person? She doesn’t owe you or anyone anything. Secondly, she’s a kid in spite of any artificial maturity so don’t lay so much on her. Thirdly, she’s not responsible for everyone’s well being. She can’t be everywhere or see everything that might happen.

No, you’re responsible, Eragon. The spikes that crushed Wyrden, didn’t kill him right away. His magic wards kept him from being stabbed for a moment or two. During that time, Eragon should have tried to help him down. He could have cut through the spikes like he did later or used his magic to pull Wyrden out of the way. Instead he just stood there like the moron he is and watched him die. So screw you Chris for laying the blame on a two year old who wasn’t even there.

Eragon “strode”s again and reflects on how berating people makes him feel mature. Saphira praises him, because that’s his due, and says that the wheel turns.  Flash Forward to the next day and we’re loaded with details that don’t matter. Blah blah blah, they didn’t camp in the city, Martland is staying behind to secure the city and the elves got Wyrden’s body back.

Then we get to go through the elven funeral. If you thought that he might be buried anywhere near the regular Varden who also died in service to Eragon then you haven’t been paying attention. No elf would lay in peace among the bodies of vermin. No, he gets to be buried on a little hill near a creek. They plant an acorn there and sing to it until it grows into and oak twenty feet tall. And of course Eragon says he likes it better than the dwarven funerals. Duh, elves do everything better.

Eragon thinks that if he dies he wants an apple tree to grow over him and the thought of his funeral amuses him, though he says in a morbid way. Is that because Eragon realizes that he’ll never die? Oh, and that belt of his is still missing. Darn, Eragon’s author gifts are being culled. Now he’ll have to rely only on wits and his strength and his dragon and magic sword and his personal army. Eragon then lets us know he did one other thing while being in Dras-Leona.

Besides searching the cathedral and retrieving Wyrden’s body, Eragon had also done one other thing of note in Dras-Leona after its capture. He had, with Nasuada’s approval, declared every slave within the city a free person, and he had personally gone to the manors and auction houses and cut loose many of the men, women, and children chained therein. The act had given him a great deal of satisfaction, and he hoped it would improve the lives of the people he had released.

Which is kind of confusing, because shouldn’t that authority be in the hands of the Varden leader? Why doesn’t nasuada decree it because she’s the one actually in charge? By decreeing things for the Varden, whom he supposedly answers to, isn’t he outwardly assuming more power than he has? That’s a step away from starting a coup. But it’s good to know Eragon didn’t get any pleasure out of freeing slaves, just satisfaction. We wouldn’t want him enjoying his job as protagonist.

Eragon then goes to his tent and sees Arya there. Someone calls out “shadeslayer” and they both look because they’ve both got a shade under their belt. Eragon mentions it’s confusing asn says he could call her princess. She says not to and he says that her title is…she interrupts and says that that’s not what it means and there’s no equivalent human word.

Why is there never an equivalent human word? We humans are pretty flexible and creative. When there’s a new concept or idea we come up with new words to describe them. It’s kind of how language grows and lives. But silly me, we humans are too dumb to understand. I’ll get back to banging rocks on my junks while barking at the wind.

They go inside and Arya says she searched Wyrden’s belongings and found something for Eragon. What? Is this an elven tradition or did he leave a will behind? Or is it just assumed that nothing really belongs to anyone except Eragon and when they die it reverts to him? Eragon didn’t know Wyrden at all but Arya figured he’d want something of his but not Wyrden’s family. Oh, I get it. This is a passive aggressive gesture. This way he’s reminded everyday of his failure. Nice one Arya.

Arya hands Eragon a wooden flask, because elves don’t use metal unless it’s for weapons, and it’s full of some drink called “faelnirv” which Eragon knows about but not us, it might as well be called Tranya. He opens it up and smells it and notices Arya is “tipsy” already. Wouldn’t it be great if this was a spy disguised with magic and sent in to poison/incapacitate Eragon?

Eragon and Arya start passing the bottle back and forth. It smells like rodents, stoat and marten specifically and I wish I were joking, and it burns but Eragon enjoys it. He needs something besides mental tricks to get rid of the stress of killing and decides liquor is quicker than working through his issues. So now we’re going to have an alcoholic Eragon abusing his power to make Taco Bell runs and demand chicken wings at three A.M.. At least it’ll be a character flaw. And am I the only one that suspects Chris just recently discovered drinking?

They drink and we’re spared little detail. Once it’s finished, Eragon looks at Arya’s hand which is perfectly healed except for a numb patch that just wouldn’t regain feeling and it’s slightly discolored. Arya says it’s no big deal, which is true, but Eragon is broken up inside that his doll is no longer in mint condition. He feels bad about her getting scared after being captured like an idiot.

“Do not feel bad because of it. It’s impossible to go through life unscathed. Nor should you want to. By the hurts we accumulate, we measure both our follies and our accomplishments.”

That might carry more weight if the characters didn’t lament every little blemish they got. Eragon then starts seeing flashing lights like when he sleeps and wonders who slipped him the acid. Arya says someone had to before the cops showed up and she figured he could take it. Eragon decides to not clear his head and sits there, enjoying the high.

No, I’m not kidding. He says that him and Arya have a really important conversation but he doesn’t know why. ‘Deep, man.’ Then they hear some music that’s just really, really awesome and Arya feels compelled to dance by herself. Not to mention they giggled a lot. All that’s missing is Eragon getting the munchies and telling Arya that she, like really needs to listen to Dark Side of the Moon and watch the Wizard of Oz muted ’cause it’ll blow her mind.

Then Eragon goes into a panic because he hears a dragon’s roar and it’s not Saphira’s! Yeah, well it’s probably not Shruikan’s either nor will it turn out to be Puff the magic dragon or Draco. I’m sure it’ll be Thorn doing something borderline retarded and villainous like a Captain Planet bad guy.

We rejoin Eragon after our lengthy interlude with Roran. It’s been so long I can hardly remember what he looks like or what’s going on. And Chris doesn’t stop to tell us, for once, so I’d have to consult my memory or something. Luckily, Chris sticks to what’s already happened but from Eragon’s point of view. Eragon mentally cheers as the cathedral collapses.

Eragon smiled to himself, proud of Saphira. When it came to spreading chaos and destruction, dragons were without equal. Go on, he thought. Smash it to pieces! Bury their holy places under a thousand feet of stone!

If this were an authentic medieval setting or if Chris was making an allusion to the crusades, Eragon’s attitude would be a perfect fit. But Eragon’s supposed to have been trained by the elves in logic, right? I’d think a pragmatic hero would see the value in keeping a large, fireproof structure with lots of room might be useful. But he cheers to watch it collapse because they prayed to the Ra’zac which was stupid because they’re ugly. Now if you don’t mind, Eragon’s going to go worship the ground Arya walks on.

Then he resumed trotting down the dark, winding cobblestone street, along with Arya, Angela, and Solembum. There were a number of people already in the streets: merchants going to open their shops, night watchmen on their way to bed, drunk noblemen just emerging from their revels, vagrants sleeping in doorways, as well as soldiers running pell-mell toward the city walls.

Wow, I guess the homeless in Dras-leona are a cut above those where I live. I’d think the screaming of people on fire, soldiers raising the alarm and the ringing of the bell would have woken most of them up. I was wrong, these are hardcore hobos. ‘What’s this? The city’s being attacked again? Screw it, I’m getting my forty winks. Wake me when the invaders roll out to the next city.’

Oh wait, now we’re told that everyone running away is looking back at the cathedral, drawn by the noise of two dragons fighting. The noise apparently rumbles through the city and terrifies everyone. Huh, that’s strange. Then they dump the “novitiate”—I’m really starting to hate that word—in an alley. Eragon says that though they promised to take him along, they never said how far. That’s the douchebaggery that Eragon’s known for.

As they run along, Eragon is once again reminded of the last time he was in Dras-Leona. Yes, Chris, wer get it, Eragon was there before. If you wanted to remind everyone you could have inserted a brief summary before they entered the tunnel. And it’s too late now to start playing on reader nostalgia so just quit it. They come across some stagnant sewage and both Eragon and Arya shield their noses but it doesn’t bother Solembum and Angela.

Which doesn’t make sense. This is a time period where there’s no plumbing or running water. Smells like human waste might be a nuisance but it’s unavoidable in the camp. And Arya, please don’t tell me that elf scat don’t smell. Then Eragon notices werecats watching from the rooftops. Apparently they didn’t want to bother helping out to keep their involvement a secret.

Again, I call you out on this one, Chris. There were priests that saw Solembum mauling the hell out of their friends and they ran away. You can bet your ass that they’re going to tell people about it just as soon as they can. Plus any magician worth their salt would probably notice there are thinking cats wandering around when they’re scanning for enemy magicians. The werecats aren’t going to be a secret for much longer. They finally get to the gate and Eragon is dismayed.

The presence of the soldiers dismayed Eragon, but he was even more dismayed to see that the city’s defenders had piled a huge mound of rubble against the inside of the gates, to keep the Varden from battering them in.

Well, damn. That’s just not fair. The enemy is trying to prevent the Varden from getting inside? Don’t they know that  they’re only supposed to put up a token resistance before getting rolled over. Eragon thinks a distraction is in order and he sends the plan to Saphira but doesn’t tell us. The Imperials spot Eragon and crew and shout “rebels”—they’re easy to identify by their Varden branded t-shirts—and attack.

Arrows bounce off Eragon’s wards and some kill Imperials. Exciting isn’t it? Being as the bad guys are beyond useless, they know the only way to overwhelm Ergon is through sheer numbers. They figure they can force him to grind so hard he rage quits. So he does something incredibly stupid by holding the sword at his waist and spinning. That’s one of those moves that works in a fighting game but just looks silly in reality. Plus it only works if everyone stands perfectly still.

Fun fact, dragon’s blood burns. Saphira flies over Eragon and past the gate, followed by Thorn and a drop of one of their blood lands on Eragon which burns like hot grease. The Imperials, distracted by the air show, get back to dying at the hands of the protagonists. Arya and Eragon then go back to back and wonder how they’ll kill the hundreds that remain. Arya shouts “magic” and they begin to cast spells at the soldiers.

Which makes me ask, why weren’t they doing that before? I thought that Oromis taught Eragon twelve, or was it thirteen, killing spells that took less energy than it took to move a pinky. Shouldn’t Eragon then be using his energy to kill with magic and using the sword as a last defense? And if he can drain energy from animals to kill them, why not soldiers? Couldn’t he drain half the Imperials while using their life force to wipe out the rest?

Saphira and Thorn fly around, Eragon’s magic does nothing and Murtagh shouts that they’re under his protection. Eragon panics because Murtagh knows that Eragon’s not on Saphira’s back. Angela throws down a vial that chokes a bunch of soldiers and makes their skin breakout in mushrooms. Eragon’s thinks all hope is lost because everyone is tired and their ruse has failed.

Then he decided to tap into Aren, the ring he got from Brom. Eragon draws on it and says that it’s agonizing and ecstatic feeling. Good to see you’ve finally gotten around to reading Robert Jordan’s books, it’s just a pity you had to steal from him too. Eragon uses the large store to blow open the gates and move the rubble, which Chris will just not shut up about.

Finally, after describing the broken gates and rubble some more, the Varden wander into the city. The Imperials were apparently stunned by Eragon moving rocks and don’t move to attack him now that he’s tired. The Imperials now get beaten badly by random Varden. Except for a few that are holding Arya and draggin her away while attempting to kill her. Eragon runs to save her and when he sees them trying to stab her with daggers. And I can’t for the life of me figure out how they can’t manage to stab her since they’ve gotten a hold of her. I guess they just keep missing.

Eragon rescues the spunky princess who says she could have done it on her own. They rest as the Varden drive the Imperials back. Saphira lands and nuzzles him while wolfelf allows himself to look normal again. The elves all gather around and ask questions and feel sad about Wyrden’s death. And then Eragon goes back into panic mode because a shadow flies overhead.

Apparently Thorn and Murtagh didn’t bother trying to stop the invaders. They just took off to take a break and give Eragon a second to catch up with everyone. Eragon jumps onto Saphira and the elves circle them while getting ready to defend themselves. Murtagh has been taking lessons from cartoon villains because he doesn’t bother attacking.

“Brother!” shouted Murtagh, his augmented voice so loud that Eragon covered his ears. “I’ll have blood from you for the injuries you caused Thorn! Take Dras-Leona if you want. It means nothing to Galbatorix. But you’ve not seen the last of us, Eragon Shadeslayer, that I swear.”

‘I’ll get you my pretty! And your little dog too!’ Thorn and Murtagh then fly off while everyone stands around slack jawed. Gee, anyone thinking that he’s retreating because he’s weak? Anyone want to chase after him and try bringing him down? Oh, right, that doesn’t fit into the plot.

When an author has multiple books that span numerous characters, or even a series, it can give you a glimpse into their personal life. Not always, mind you. Some can write characters far different from themselves to the point where they’d never want to meet them in real life because they’re so alien. And then there are times when you just have to wonder. Take Eragon for example.

I’ve noticed a weird theme that’s very subtle and easily missed throughout the books. If the series had been finished after one or two books I wouldn’t have noticed it but after three books, and what I’ve read of four, it’s stands out more and more with each chapter until it becomes the elephant in your room, drinking your beer. None of the characters have friends.

Yes, the fanboys would protest that Orik is friends with Eragon as is Roran and Angela and Solembum are friends and so forth. But they don’t act like friends or even relatives. They don’t spend time together or even have any memories of doing anything. What interaction they have is stilted and unnatural, like they don’t know how to be friendly but they’re imitating what they’ve seen. Roran and Eragon say they’re glad to see each other when Roran gets back from Aroughs but they part immediately after and then forget about it until the story slows down.

And then I dared to wonder if maybe Chris doesn’t have any friends. The characters can’t have any more depth than the author. What if Chris’s characters only follow the broadest imitation of friendship, and rarely, because he doesn’t have any friends and doesn’t think they’re important. So he focuses on the things that matter to him, lots of praise and being unique. I’ll be honest and say that I hope I’m wrong but if Chris ever read these, I’d want him to take one point and learn from it. None of these characters are relatable.

This chapter is called “hammer and helm”. I almost fainted when I read how simple it was. ‘A chapter title that doesn’t advertise its contents?’ I asked. Surely, Chris must have been sick when he wrote this or maybe he was taken by a powerful whim. Maybe he just wanted to know what it felt like to keep tension going so he could imagine, for once, that he was just like the big boys and girls.

Any joy I took from the title was quashed rather quickly by joining Roran. He’s impatient to get to the killing as he thinks “at last!” as soon as the horn sounds. Isn’t it a good thing everyone can tell whose horn is sounding and what it means? It would be a major faux pas if the Imperials blew their horn and the Varden took that as a signal to march in circles until noon. Surely Nasuada would die of Shame.

Roran watches Saphira attack and then Thorn gets off his scaly ass to stop her. You know, the same thing we’ve already seen but from a different angle. Only this one adds nothing to the story. Roran is pumped to get into battle supposedly so he can get it over with sooner. I think he’s just eager to try racking up more kills than Eragon. Though I’m sure each one of Roran’s count for two of Eragon’s as Roran has to bludgeon people to death.

Roran glanced up and down the ranks, checking that the troops were ready. They had been waiting for most of the night, and the men were tired, but he knew that fear and excitement would soon clear their minds. Roran was tired as well, but he paid it no mind; he could sleep when the battle was over. Until then, his main concern was keeping his men and himself alive.

Why were they waiting through the night rather than resting? And how is Roran not exhausted from standing around in armor? How is it no one is ever bothered by exhaustion in these books? And I’m not saying they’re never tired, I mean actual, literal exhaustion. The kind of worn out that turns your eyelids into curtains trying to drown out that last amateur comedian and your muscles into frayed twine. The kind that sets into your bones and leaves you unable to move. At worst they have to stop and catch their breath for a second but they get right back to the action like a breather is just another way to get a good night’s sleep. They must go through a lot of Sensu beans.

Roran then complains that he’s got a stomach ache from something he ate last night. But don’t worry, he’s pretty sure it won’t bother him. Then why bring it up, Chris? If fighting with intestinal cramps won’t bother Roran, then talk about it. Use it to grow Roran and show us that he’s just as vulnerable to the little things even though he’s got a fight to get to. If this was one of Martin’s books, Roran would have to run into combat swinging his hammer and soiling his pants.

Horst then wanders up and says he’s at Roran’s command. Roran thinks it might have been selfish to make Horst his second in command but he wouldn’t have anyone else. The word you’re looking for is stupid, Chris, not selfish. What business does a career blacksmith have being in charge of all those soldiers? What has he done that qualifies his position? Even if we pretend Roran earned it through his military action, Horst hasn’t done anything to deserve it. That’s a move that should get Roran scrutiny from Nasuada if she weren’t as dumb as him.

The horns sounded again, and Roran lifted his hammer over his head. “Forward!” he shouted. He took the lead as the many hundreds of men started off, accompanied on either side by the Varden’s four other battalions.

‘How many is Roran in charge of?’ ‘A lot.’ ‘And how many is that, Chris?’ ‘A whole bunch.’ ‘So more than a few but less than a million?’ ‘Oh, probably about many hundreds.’ Sure Roran’s in charge of all those people but he doesn’t really care about the exact numbers. If he kept track of those he might feel sad knowing people died in his charge. This way he can just say that he started the battle with many hundred and he still has many hundreds after.

Roran and the many hundreds—that’s almost catchy—march towards Dras-Leona. They hear alarms sounding as the Imperials see that the enemy is at the gates. I guess the fire breathing dragon flying overhead, burning buildings and knocking down whatever won’t burn wasn’t cause for alarm. But many hundred marching at them? Someone activate the sirens before it’s too late!

Roran feels uneasy because there are outlying buildings and streets separate from the main city. He’s worried that there could be an ambush by the Imperials or even the locals. Eragon had better get that gate open or they’re going to be trapped and easy to kill. As opposed to the inner city streets that are full of burning buildings because of Saphira’s need for wanton destruction.

The worst part is we don’t even know what his goals are. The closest we’ve gotten is wanted to rebuild the dragon riders. Why, when he destroyed them in the first place? Did he always want to rule over a bunch of dragon riders? Is it the world he wants to control? Is he scouring the land for a mystical vat of pudding that never runs out? Give us an idea of what the stakes are.

See, Chris. When we don’t know what the bad guy wants and how it affects the protagonists, it makes it hard to care. So what if Gabby rules the empire? The person on the throne never impacted Eragon in the slightest. The only reason Eragon had to join the Varden was because the Ra’zac killed Garrow and he got his revenge. The only other reason the Varden can give him to fight is because Gabby’s no t the rightful king and that’s damn flimsy.

Give us a reason why he’s all wrong to be in charge. Chris is just kind of assuming we’re on board with Gabby being the villain which is a big mistake. I can think of lots of reasons Gabby would be in the right or wrong. But because the author doesn’t say, I’m free to make up any old excuse that entertains me. I’m going to believe that the previous king was inbred to the point of having a third, functionless arm growing out of his head and Gabby figured their bloodline needed to be straightened out.

This chapter is called black dragon down and it’s an inspiring story about a dragon who gets shot down over the Imperial capitol and has to struggle her way out. Did I mention she’s also no bigger than a large dog and has puppy eyes? That’s Oscar bait, right there. The actual chapter name is “black-shrike-thorn-cave”. Being as it’s hyphenated and stupid I’m betting that’s something a dragon thought. Because dragons are sentient but incredibly stupid. Oh, and Chris wants to prove my point right away.

The cool, moist, morning-air-off-water whistled past Saphira’s head as she dove toward the rat-nest-city half lit by the rising sun. The low rays of light made the smelly-wood-eggshell-buildings stand out in high relief, their western sides black with shadow.

What does this say about Saphira? Chris doesn’t realize it but the brief moments we’ve been shown from her point of view have told us a lot about how he thinks about his characters. Chris claims, in canon mind you, that Saphira and Eragon are equals and that the bond brought the dragons civilization. And while the author will gladly detail all of her advantages over humans never has he offered a single disadvantage that she suffers from.

In reality Chris thinks of Saphira as nothing more than a dumb animal. It shows when he tells us how she thinks. She can barely form thoughts with her broken and incomplete vocabulary. Hell, she can’t be bothered to learn new words. Sure she knows that relief doesn’t just mean a cessation of pain or discomfort but style of carving but she doesn’t know the word for fog. That’s probably because her limited brain can only hold so many words before it bursts like a rotten melon.

Wolfelf, which I’m pleased to see even Saphira calls “wolf-elf-in-Eragon’s-shape”, talks to her and she says Eragon’s in trouble. Really? He just killed Stumpy and enslaved a bunch of priests. I’d say he’s doing just fine. Saphira tells him to message Nasuada and  update her while scoffing at anyone that would be fooled into thinking wolfelf is Eragon because he smells all wrong.

Saphira then looks over at Thorn and has mixed feelings. Apparently she can get all hot and bothered just because he’s the second to last male dragon ins existence, Shruikan doesn’t count because we all know he’ll die with Gabby. She then flies over the city and spots the “black-shrike-thorn-cave” which is the “cathedral” that Eragon’s in. That’s right, she’s the air support sent in to rescue the Varden who dared to go Behind Enemy Lines.

Saphira lands on the roof and glares at the bell that’s ringing in warning. She doesn’t like the sound so she attempts to kill it with fire. The rope holding it breaks and sends it plummeting who know how many floors. It probably killed some poor “novitiate” who was probably only trying to warn the innocent to take cover before they’re speared and eaten like so many crab cakes. Then Chris reminds us that Saphira also enjoys bullying the weak.

That pleased her, as did the two-legs-round-ears who ran screaming from the area. She was a dragon, after all. It was only right that they should fear her.

That’s right, it’s better to be feared than loved right? Believe it or not, I don’t have a problem with Saphira thinking that way. In fact, it should be her character flaw. She should be constantly battling her instincts which tell her that she’s superior to all other creatures. Even better if it was the bonding to the dragons which has caused the elves to start feeling and acting the same way. But Chris won’t touch that because, in his mind, Saphira’s one of the good guys and just perfect.

A nameless magician casts a spell at Saphira and it has no effect. Wolfelf kills them and Saphira feels it happen. The whole exchange is quickly forgotten when Thorn and Murtagh show up. Gee, Chris, remember how I mentioned luring Thorn and Murtagh out? Looks like it would have worked just fine. Then Saphira remakrs how Thorn is shiny but not as shiny as her. She took special care to be clean before battle because she wants her enemies to fear and admire her.

She knew it was vanity on her part, but she did not care. No other race could match the grandeur of the dragons. Also, she was the last female of her kind, and she wanted those who saw her to marvel at her appearance and to remember her well, so if dragons were to vanish forevermore, two-legs would continue to speak of them with the proper respect, awe, and wonder.

Hmm, so she’s vain and abuses her power. That Chris admits Saphira is even a little vain makes her the most rounded character in the book after Carn. Oh, and her wanting to be remembered if dragons die out sounds kind of familiar. I think there was someone else that made that request but it was denied. It was probably those damned Gnomes and their stupid hats. Good riddance to them, I say.

Now the dragons engage in aerial combat. There’s no word if Kenny Loggins is playing as it happens. Thorn goes to breathe fire at her but Saphira’s not worried because of the wards Eragon put on her. Way to dissolve that tension, Chris. He scratches her wing and tries to get her airborne but Saphira is feeling lazy. So Thorn lands on the other side of the cathedral.

The entire building shook as Thorn dropped to all fours, and many of the gem-glass-picture-windows in the walls below shattered and fell tinkling to the ground. Thorn was bigger than her now, as a result of the egg-breaker-Galbatorix’s meddling, but she was not intimidated. She had more experience than Thorn, and besides, she had trained with Glaedr, who had been larger than both she and Thorn combined. Also, Thorn dared not kill her … nor did she think he wanted to.

Why would he dare not kill her? What if Gabby ordered it done? Maybe he doesn’t want to but he doesn’t have to kill her. He could just maim the hell out of her. Heck, Murtagh could chop off a leg and a wing and Saphira would be pretty damn immobile but perfectly capable of breeding.

They glare and hiss at each other while clomping around the roof of the cathedral. Saphira says that her job now is to prevent Murtagh from finding out that Eragon’s not really riding her. Why? He’s inside the cathedral at that very moment. I don’t think finding that out will give Murtagh the advantage he needs to scare the Varden off. Murtagh taunts not-Eragon and Saphira engages in slap fighting with Thorn.

Thorn falls off the building, taking Saphira with him, and something snaps in his shoulder when he hits the road. Saphira jumps onto some buildings and then sets all the nearby wooden ones on fire because she wants to give the poor people something else to do. Saphira then starts tearing the cathedral apart, vowing revenge because they’ve hurt Eragon and for killing the elf.

What? Saphira has watched hundreds if not thousands of people die. Not once has she ever cared about anyone getting hurt or dying. She certainly didn’t know Wyrden, the only elf who’s died since the first book. So why is she getting so emotional about a lone elf that no one knew? Because, as we know, elves are so special that the loss of even one risks the story becoming far less awesome.

Thorn jumps into the air and hovers for a second before lunging at Saphira. She dodges, not so artfully, and he crashes head first into the spire. They knock some more stuff around and Thorn starts falling into the hole Saphira tore in the cathedral. He tries to crawl back up but Saphira has other plans.

 She gathered her strength, then batted the spire with her right forepaw.

Just a quick word on that, Chris. Paws are a distinctly mammalian feature. If Saphria’s feet were paw like though, it would mean her fingers weren’t articulate unlike a lizard or primates. And the way you’ve described her she basically has hands with claws instead of fingernails so calling it a paw is just dumb. You could have avoided the stupidity by just saying “She batted the spire”.

Of course her hitting it doesn’t do anything so she has to do it again and again until it breaks. This gives Thorn enough time to dramatically scrabble at the roof before getting driven down to the ground and buried under stone. Saphira then goes around knocking out buttresses until the place collapses. Then she starts trying to cook Thorn and Murtagh to drain their energy.

Blah blah blah, Thorn gets out of the rubble, blah blah. Murtagh pulls out something he uses to heal Thorn and Thorn is angry and Saphira respects that. Saphira goes to fly up and hears Eragon who’s at the wall waiting for her. She flies as fast as she can while Thorn follows right behind her.